


Your Stars Are My Stars

by lumosinlove



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Harry Potter - Freeform, M/M, Military!au, army!sirius, hp fic, remus lupin - Freeform, sirius black - Freeform, wolfstar fic, wolfstar military!au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-24
Updated: 2017-12-31
Packaged: 2018-06-04 03:56:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 23,552
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6640411
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lumosinlove/pseuds/lumosinlove
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Or the one where Sirius is in the marines and Remus can't go with him and doesn't know how to be without him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. part i

The sun is just barely peaking into their bedroom with its early, pink-orange light when Remus wakes up. At first, he’s able to stay in that wonderful state - the one where you’re only barely awake and you know that if you don’t move too fast and keep your eyes closed, you’ll fall right back into your dreams. He’s there for a moment, blissfully heavy against the mattress, not knowing anything except the fact that its still early and he can’t feel Sirius’ body against his. _Well, that’s not right._ Carefully, without thinking too much, he decides one roll over to find Sirius won’t wake him up. That they can sleep a while longer until they decide to get up for breakfast - or lunch - then crawl right back into bed. So he rolls, and he reaches… and he opens his eyes.

He stares at the empty mattress, his outstretched fingers, and he remembers.

His newfound state of full awareness allows the world to slowly filter in, bringing all of reality crashing in with it. Today is the day he’s been avoiding since the moment he learned about it. The thought that it’s actually here makes his chest tighten painfully and his heart thud.

He presses himself onto one of his elbows, head turning to the side to see the bathroom light on. He can see Sirius’ shadow on the strip of tiles visible, hear him humming to himself as he prepares for the day.

Remus wishes that tooth brushing and a hot shower were enough to prepare _him_ for today.

The floor is too cold against his feet and he pulls on socks, along with the t-shirt Sirius had discarded the night before. He bends, picking it up, and presses the fabric to his nose, inhaling.

He thinks back to the previous night, Sirius’ skin flush against his, foreheads together, tears mixing with their breath. _“You’ll be okay”_ Sirius had said, _You’ll be okay._

Remus had tried not to cry, tried to have their last night together be _happy_ and _good_ \- something for Sirius to keep with him while he was away. But Remus had never been one for keeping in his emotions.

Remus hadn’t been able to tell Sirius that it wasn’t himself he was worried about, though. He was safe in their flat and Sirius was… well, Remus never knew where Sirius was. He squeezed his eyes shut at the thought, yanking the t-shirt over his head.

_Will you be okay?_

The tiles of the bathroom are even chillier, and he squints against the bright light. He hears Sirius’ laugh before he sees him, most likely at the face he just pulled.

“Aren’t you beautiful this morning.” Sirius sets the iron he’d been using down, leaning over the table to press a lingering kiss to Remus’ mouth. His eyes are bright, a towel wrapped around his waist, “Sleep well?”

No “Mhm..” Remus traces his fingers down Sirius’ cheek, keeping him this close for as long as he can, “Did you…”

He means to ask how Sirius slept, but his eyes find the item on the ironing board. Sirius’ uniform, all greens and browns, lies neatly, creases just so and spotless. Remus has the sudden urge to take it outside and drag it through the mud caused by last night’s rain.

He clears his throat, eyes flicking back to Sirius’. He tries for a smile, but he knows he hesitated too long for it to be a clean cover up. He asks the question anyway, “Did you sleep okay?”

Remus hates the sadness that has appeared Sirius’ eyes now. He hates it every time.

“I always sleep well with you next to me.”

It’s suppose to be a sweet comment, but they both flinch.

_But I won’t be next to you_

Remus wants to scream a little bit.

~

At times like these, everything about the airport reminds Remus of the hospital he spent so much time in as a kid. Everything is white and loud and blinding. He feels so small, holding Sirius’ hand so tightly like this, but he’s scared that if he loosens his grip even in the slightest, Sirius might be pulled away and lost in the sea of people and he wouldn’t be able to say goodbye.

The walk to the terminal was long and by the way Sirius kept looking at his watch, Remus could tell they were tight on time. But Sirius kept their walk slow, prolonging these last moments for Remus’ sake. They were always silent. Neither of them knew what to say and Sirius knew that attempts at normal smalltalk would just make Remus shut down.

 _“This isn’t normal!”_ He had shouted one time, halting right in the middle of the airport, _“This isn’t normal and it isn’t fair and I can’t pretend like it is.”_

Sirius knew Remus hated crying in front of other people, but he had. Days like these always seemed to be an exception to that rule of his.

So Sirius doesn’t speak, he just squeezes Remus’ hand, letting him know he’s still there.

He feels the falter in Remus’ steps when the gate comes into view, a big, looming number ten. He feels Remus start slowing down, more and more until he’s pulling Sirius back by their laced fingers. Sirius tries to ignore it, tries to keep walking because if they stop he’s worried he’ll never be able to start again. It’s taken all his willpower to just get _this far._ But Remus is insistent, and when Sirius hears the slight hitch in his breathing he finally turns around, encasing Remus’ hand in both his own warmly.

“Re… Please-“

“I’m not ready yet.” Remus’ breathing is too quick to be normal, his eyes shining, “Sirius, I’m not- I can’t-“ He’s shaking his head - really his entire body is shaking, “I can’t. Not again-“

Sirius drops his pack to the ground, right there in the middle of the walkway. He doesn’t care if people have to step around them, doesn’t care who sees. He doesn’t care about anything at all except closing the distance between them.

He reaches up to cup the back of Remus’ head, pressing their foreheads together, “I know. I know, love, _I know.”_

It’s all Sirius can say right now because he can feel his throat closing up at the look on Remus’ face and he cannot cry right now. He needs to be strong for both of them. Because he knows if he cries, Remus will never let him go, and he would never be able to walk away.

“I just got you _back_ , I-“ Remus hates how pathetic he sounds but he’s _panicking_. He thought he had prepared himself. After all he’d done this before. He’d hoped it would get easier, but how could it? How does one make _bye, see you in three months, please don’t die, please come home, I need you_ any _easier?_

“I want to come with you.”

There’s a beat of silence.

“Oh, love… “ Sirius sighs, hand sliding from his hair to his cheek, thumb running over the smooth, tear-streaked skin. He didn’t say anything more but the silence said it all - at least Sirius hoped it did.

Remus blinks a few times, trying to clear his eyes, trying to focus on something else - something good. Like how beautifully tan Sirius always is when he gets home, how strong, how proud. How he follows Remus around the house like a love sick puppy for at least the first month. But it’s almost too hard and his brain keeps slipping up.

So he tries for a laugh instead, and it comes out watery but he needs to try- for Sirius, “Fuck me. I promised myself I wouldn’t freak out this time.” He glances around, watching a few prying eyes flit away as they realize he’s seen them, “‘m sorry.”

Sirius smiles a little too. Remus doesn’t miss the way his shoulders sag in relief and he instantly feels guilty. He knows he doesn’t make it easier for Sirius to leave.

“S’alright… I- I’d freak out a little bit too.”

“Knowing you, you’d cause a right scene.”

Sirius’ smile is real this time, and he hooks his finger into Remus’ belt loop, pulling them flush together, “Sod off-”

Remus jumps when the loudspeakers crackles to life and the smooth voice of a woman fills the air. Because it had almost felt like just another day - just for a second. It had almost felt like he wasn’t about to be left alone for three months.

“Flight 307 first call for boarding. Please be ready to present your ticket and passport and any luggage you wish to gate check.”

Remus bites his lip hard. He wants to squeeze his eyes shut, wants to block everything out. But he keeps them open and flitting across Sirius’ face, a face he won’t see for a very long time. The panic is threatening to surge back up in his chest but he pushes it down.

Sirius’ hands are there instantly, looping around his waist, rubbing gently at his hip bones because he _knows_ how much Remus loves that. Remus, however, doesn’t know what to do with his hands. He wants to run them through Sirius’ newly cropped short hair, memorize the feeling because he suddenly feels like he doesn’t do it enough. He wants to press them to his warm neck run them along his jaw and that little scar on his upper lip.

He ends up just clutching onto the front of his uniform. He’s probably ruining all Sirius’ hard work with the iron that morning but he can’t bring himself to care.

“I-“

They say it at the same time. They just stare at each other, because what is there to say? And Remus hates this part. He hates goodbyes because what if-

“I love you.” Sirius is glancing up as the speaker announces a last call for passengers. His grip is tighter now and his eyes are burning into Remus, locking him into their gaze like they always do,

“I love you and I have to- fuck- Re, _I love you_ , I have-“ His eyes are pleading almost.  
I have to go   
“I need to kiss you-“

Remus barely lets him get the words out before he’s surging forward, letting Sirius immediately open his mouth with his tongue, letting him hold the bruising grip on his hips because at least he’d have _something_ then, a purplish, bluish reminder…

Remus can’t help the soft noise that escapes when Sirius pulls back, burrowing his head into the nook of Remus’ neck. They just hold each other, swaying on the spot, feeling the pounding of each other’s hearts.

“You have to stay safe.” Remus murmurs, shakily into Sirius’ ear. He presses his nose into his hair, inhaling deeply, desperate to surround himself with Sirius as much as he can, “Pads, you have to come _home.”_

“I always come home.”

And Remus knows what’s coming next.

He feels Sirius’ lips press once to his neck, like always.

And then, like always, Sirius is tearing himself away in one swift motion, dipping slightly to swing his pack onto his back, and sprinting to the gate. He doesn’t turn around for a last look - he can’t.

Because if he does, they both know he’d come running back.

_three months_

Remus watches until Sirius disappears around the corner.

_I always come home_

He stays until the plane is just a dot in the sky.

_91 days_

He locks himself in one of the family bathrooms and lets the panic in.


	2. part ii

91.

Remus doesn’t go home. He _can’t_ \- not to the empty flat. Not to the socks still strewn all over the apartment and the too large bed. Not to the take out for one.

And besides, company is always nice - at first.

He goes to Lily’s. He always goes to Lily’s because at least she understands. She has James, after all. They usually go to the airport together but James had received a different call time than Sirius- he’d been gone for a month already and would be for five more. Remus tried to feel happy for himself. He only had to endure three. But a day over there is dangerous and it’s hard to find the bright side of anything.

Lily opens the door almost immediately, flinging it so hard that Remus thinks there might be a hole in her wall when she closes it again. She looks like she’d just gotten in from a run, her cheeks more pink than not and freckles standing out, red hair falling out from her high bun. She always runs when James is away, says it keeps her sane. Remus vaguely thinks that he needs something to keep _him_ sane - but he definitely doesn’t think it’s running.

“Remus Lupin where the _fuck_ have you been?”

“Dropping my boyfriend off at the airport for his three month trip to hell.” Remus deadpanned.

Lily sighed, pressing a palm to her forehead briefly, “That’s not- shit, sorry that’s not what I meant. I just meant you haven’t been answering any of my phone calls all day.”

Remus shrugs helplessly, feeling hopelessly tired all of a sudden, “You know my phone’s been fucked up for weeks.”

Lily just looks at him, lips pressed together, right hip jutting out as she leans against the door.

“C’mere.”

And Remus doesn’t care that she’s sweaty. He tries not to think about how small and soft she feels in his arms and that it isn’t what he’s used to. Because he loves Lily and he needs her. So he stands there, swaying in someones arms and ready to fall apart for the second time that day.

~

“It wasn’t _my_ fault,” Lily somewhat aggressively stabs at her Lo Mein with her chopsticks, “I wasn’t the one who decided to save all their work until the last night. I mean, yeah, she was stressed, but Marlene did _not_ have to take that out on me… Especially since it’s only been a few weeks since-“

Remus glances up from dipping his spring roll at the sudden silence. Lily isn’t stabbing her noodles anymore. She’s degraded it to more of a meek poke. Her wet hair is curling around her face after her shower and somehow it makes her look younger, more vulnerable. She huffed.

“I just meant she didn’t have to go all aggressive psycho. I mean, we’ve all got problems.”

“Oh, is that what James is, then?” Remus tries for a joke, tries to be the strong one this time. They can’t _both_ crumble all at once - not yet at least, it’s much too early for that.

It works and Lily cracks a small smile, “Aren’t they all?”

Remus smiles back but he doesn’t answer. He’s not in the ‘poking fun at’ stage yet. Not when he’s still replaying the last words he said to Sirius over and over in his head, just in case-

He bites his spring roll instead.

“What?” He says through his mouthful. Lily’s got that look again, studying him.

Her head tilts, chopsticks stirring slowly, “I worry about you, you know?”

Remus rolls his eyes lightly, “You always worry about me.”

She smiles a little sadly, “True.” She slurps up a noodle, “I use to think you were going to run out onto the tarmac with him, to be honest.”

Remus laughed, pretending it hadn’t crossed his mind once or twice. All those times he felt Lily’s grip tighten around him as they watched their boys walk away made a little more sense.

“Re?”

Remus looked up from the space on the floor he’d only been half staring at, “Sorry.”

Lily just shook her head in a ‘I do it all the time’ kind of way.

“Wanna watch a movie?”

It was really a _want to stare blankly without having to pretend you aren’t?_

“Sure.”

~

90.

He had only just arrived and Sirius’ boots were already full of sand. He already missed his bed, walls that weren’t canvas. Chilly London mornings and-

He forced his thoughts away from London and anything else that was oceans away right now. He couldn’t think about them. Not yet.

The tent flap was flung aside.

“Well, Jesus fucking Christ, _there_ you are!”

Sirius barely turned around before James was there, clapping him hard on the back, the rim of his glasses making Sirius flinch a little as it dug into his neck - they were hot from the sun.

James pulled back, grinning, his hands firm on Sirius’ shoulders, “I don’t want to say I couldn’t wait for you to get here, but…” James shook his head, laughing, “s’been absolute _hell_ without you, mate.”

Sirius grinned back - something James always seemed to be able to make him do, “It will probably still be hell now that I’m here.”

“Maybe even more so once we give it a few weeks, yeah?”

Sirius shook his head, pulling him back in, “Sod off.”

~

James was like Sirius’ rock here, a constant. In a place like this, one where Sirius never knew what was going to happen, when it was going to happen, and if he’d still be here after it did… Well, damn he needed something to hold onto. They all did.

They were trudging to the canteen, boots sinking in the sand and making the walk a good ten minutes longer. Sirius wouldn’t have minded. One-on-ones would be hard to come by once they settled in. But the sun was making sweat drip down his neck already, and his uniform scrape uncomfortably against his skin. He whipped at it, then pressing his hand to the hard canvas material of his pants.

“You know the first few days are the worse. You’ll get use to it.” James bumped his shoulder.

“I know, I know.” Sirius shrugged out of his green jacket, pulling his white t-shirt away from his sticky skin, “Definitely not London though, is it?”

James let out a breath that Sirius thinks was suppose to be a laugh, “Definitely not.” He rubs at the back of his neck, “How is home?”

Sirius swallows. He’d hoped he’d have at least a few more hours before James asked like he knew he would. James seemed to sense his discomfort and switched to walking backwards, spreading his hands in a peace gesture,

“Hey, Pads, you don’t have to-“

“No, it’s-“ Sirius sighed, squinting against the blaze of the sand and looking at James, the light reflecting in his glasses and making his eyes look golden. He offered a smile but James didn’t looked convinced, “It’s okay. Home is…” Sleepy amber eyes and soft freckles filled his vision and he swallowed harder, digging his nails into his palm.

_Home is far away._

Sirius wasn’t sure he could talk about London so he answered the question James was really asking.

“Lily’s good.” He heard James suck in a breath and he swung back so he was walking side by side with Sirius, but his body was angled towards him, hanging onto every word.

“Yeah?” He was running his hands through his hair as though she was going to walk out of one of the tents any second and he wanted to make sure he looked alright, “Yeah, she’s okay? She- I mean, I- Y’know, she’s tough and she always wants to sound tough on the phone but I just-“ He sighed, looking around like the word he was looking for would be lounging on one of the sand dunes, “Y’know?” He finally settled on.

“I know.” Sirius sighed. He definitely knew what the difference between ‘strong’ and ‘pretend-strong’ sounded like. He’d heard it through the receiver oh so many times, “But really she’s okay, I think. I mean, you know she does the running thing-“

James swore under his breath, laughing softly to himself and mumbling something that Sirius didn’t catch.

“-but… I mean, yeah. She’s good. We- Me and-“ Sirius sighed, “She comes over for dinner ever Tuesday and she’s her usual self.”

James let out a relieved breath, politely ignoring Sirius’ little stutter, “Good. Good… Well, now they’ve got each other, yeah?” They stopped in front of the canteen, and James held the tent flap open for him and threw an arm around his shoulders.

Sirius didn’t know how to reply but it turned out he didn’t have to. They’d barely taken one step into the shade before the deep shouts of welcome from their unit canceled out any worry James might’ve expressed at his friend’s silence.

“Well _finally_. Would you look what the cat dragged in.”

Sirius sighed, smiling despite himself as he and James waltzed over to one of the foldable tables. Alice, Frank, and Marlene were sitting with cards in their hands. Marlene was smirking at them.

“Nice to see you too, McKinnon.”

“Been a while, Black.”

“Not long enough, believe me.” Sirius said wryly. He smiled back at Alice, accepted Frank’s firm slap on the back.

Marlene rolled her eyes and threw a card down, causing Frank to swear and hand two of his over. Alice slapped his shoulder and James leaned in, asking what they were playing.

The momentary distraction of the cards gave Sirius a second to breath, to take in being back and surrounded by his friends, his team.

Marlene looked the same. Her thick dark hair was in a bun, curls escaping - or at least, what was left of her hair. She’d had the sides shaven since Sirius met her a year ago. His first thought had been how in place she looked amongst the other soldiers. Frank too, with his buzzed hair and broad shoulders. He was quiet and concentrated - the perfect fit.

Alice however… He’d never quite understood _how_ Alice got here. Her face was round and her words always sweet. Her hair only just brushed her chin, making her look young with the way she twirled it around her finger all the time. She had the look of a kindergarten teacher or a college art student and everyone had underestimated her. Until they saw her with a gun. Bullseye every single fucking time in training. Not even James could pull that off, and James was about as picture-perfect-marine as you got. With his determined eyes and set jaw, if you didn’t know him you’d think he was the type that always yelled and looked ready to pull a gun on you any second. Except for the fact that he never seemed to stop smiling and was so fucking _kind_ that Sirius felt like he deserved some sort of metal for it.

“Potter, stop cheating you prick.” Marlene growled, holding her cards close to her.

James shoved some chips into his mouth, “What? ‘m not! Jesus, you’re so… _assuming_ -“

 

“Well, yeah when you’re eyes are all over my-“

“I was grabbing _chips_ -“

“They’re _literally_ no where near me-“

Sirius laughed a little, accepting the cards from Frank and looking through them, letting out a sigh.

He felt a nudge from his left and looked up to see Alice’s eyes on him. She raised an eyebrow.

_You alright?_

Another thing about Alice: she always seemed to… know.

He sent her a smile, but he knew how tight it looked. 

He would be okay. He had to be okay. He had to believe that.

He would be okay, Remus would be okay. He had to focus and get through and… fucking soldier up. He was here and he was proud to be here.

It would be fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> eeek! I love them as soldiers! Sorry for the wait- I had exams :/ Let me know what you guys think! <3


	3. part iii

86.

SundaySundaySundaySundaySundaySundaySundaySundaySundaySundaySundaySundaySundaySundaySundaySunday.

Remus had finally slept in his own flat that night. He’d been at Lily’s, making the most of his boss’s “sympathy time off” by watching movies, and eating shit food, and _maybe_ getting a little tipsy once or twice. But he couldn’t last night. He _had_ to come home, he had to be here. Because he couldn’t miss it.

He couldn’t miss the call.

Because Sunday was the day Sirius was allowed phone privileges. Sunday was practically the only thing that ever kept Remus going when Sirius was away. He _lived_ for Sundays.

He had woken up on the couch and started biting his nails before he even had breakfast. He’d picked up the socks from the floor, folded them carefully and tucked them in Sirius’ drawers. He’d made the bed, pausing only an hour to lie on Sirius’ side, phone clutched in his hand - waiting.   
He’d done as much cleaning as he could - at least the aspects that didn’t make too much noise ( _no_ vacuum cleaner), Because if he missed this call he thinks he might just die. He couldn’t wait another week to hear Sirius’ voice. 

Remus fell down onto the couch. There was only so many times you can clean a house, only so many spots you can claim you left on the dishes. He ran a hand over his face, falling sideways. His cheek hit softly against the cushions, his phone bouncing a little in front of his face. He stared at it. 

He’d forgotten how hard this part was.

He must’ve fallen asleep, dozed off or something because he nearly jumped out of his skin when ‘Marimba’ started blasting right in front of his face. His heart was instantly in his throat. When he’d sat up he’d caused the phone to go clattering to the floor, still ringing.

“Fuck. _fuck_ -” He fumbled with it, snatching it up and sliding his thumb across the screen.

“Pads?”

A beat.

_“You are receiving a call from,”_ the posh, automatic voice cuts off with another, _“Royal Marines Base Camp Bastion.”_ The women’s voice is back, _“To reject this call, please hang up now. To accept, please press-“_

“Jesus fucking…“ Remus grumbled and jammed his thumb onto the 1 and pressed the receiver back to his hear.

There’s static for a few moments, a few beeps. Remus holds his breath, fingernails digging into his thigh. He’s just starting to worry he didn’t press 1 when-

There’s a crackle,

“Re?”

All the air leaves Remus’ lungs at once.

_“Pads.”_ Remus says breathlessly, “Jesus… Hi.”

His heart starts beating faster and faster as seconds tick by and Sirius doesn’t say anything. He just breathes on the other line. It sounds far away and broken up but still, if Remus closes eyes eyes tight enough, he can pretend he’s _right there_ on the sofa with him, throwing his feet in his lap and flicking the tv on.

“Hi… Fuck, _hi_.” Remus can picture him pushing his hand through his hair the way he does when he’s flustered or nervous.

Remus is practically cradling the receiver as he lets out a laugh - the first real one in days, “You alright, love?”

“I- Yeah. Yeah, I am now. You alright?”

_Not really. You’re thousands of miles away_. “‘m okay.”

“You liar.”

Remus held the phone tighter, leaning back into the couch and curling his feet under him, “Well, it was a stupid question.”

He could hear the smile, “Yeah, I guess it was.” He’s quiet for a moment, probably tugging at the silver tags around his neck, before, “Miss you.”

Remus wants to curse the fucking satellite phones because it choses that exact moment to make an awful, squeaking sound and Remus has to pull the phone away from his ear a little. Sirius’ words get faded out.

“Shit, sorry. I don’t know what that was.” Sirius laughs.

“Try the miles of ocean stretching between us.”

Sirius laughs again but Remus can hear how tight it sounds. He wants to blink his eyes and fly across the land and sea to reach him and make it better.

“How is it? You met up with James and everything?”

“Yeah,” Sirius sighs, “It’s hot. It’s so fucking hot I mean, _so hot_.”

“Well, you are in…” Remus trails off, realizing he doesn’t know exactly where Sirius is, “…a desert?” He tries.

Sirius laughs, really laughs this time, and Remus wants to melt through the phone and pop out on his side, “That’s an understatement.”

They’re laughing and smiling and Remus swears Sirius could almost be next to him. Almost.

“Tell me about home.”

And Remus’ smile widens because this is Sirius’ favorite question. The one he asks every time. At first, he hadn’t known _what_ to say. In the beginning all he had ever been able to do on these phone calls was tell Sirius how much he missed him and loved him. All he could do was worry about how that call might be the last.

But he’d gotten a grip - sort of - since then. Well, at least he’d gotten to the point where he could hold a conversation without a lump rising in his throat.

So he just talks. He talks about how he and Lily had managed to get to season four of Game of Thrones in just four days. He tells him about the new Mission Impossible movie and the motorbike racing scene that he just knew Sirius would adore. He tells him about singer who was supposably dating two of the Kardashians - the story had been splashed all over the trashy tabloid magazines that Lily had gotten out of sheer boredom.  
 When he runs out of the big stuff, he talks about what he had for dinner, how his book had finally come from Amazon, about anything and everything his mind could grasp because if he stopped talking he was worried the lump in his throat would come back, until-

“Re.” It was a soft sound, but Remus knew exactly what it meant.

The lump was back.

His eyes found the clock, “No. _No_ , I-“ He’d been talking for the good part of their hour. They barely had five minutes left, “No… Shit, Pads why didn’t you- Why didn’t you stop me?”

“I wanted to hear your voice, love.”

“And I wanted to hear _yours_ -“ Remus cut himself off, his forehead dropping against his knees. He couldn’t wait another week, not when Sirius had barely spoken five words.

“Talk to me.” He said desperately.

“I love you.” There was a rustling sound that Remus somehow knew to be Sirius pressing the phone harder against his cheek, “I love you.”

_No_ , Remus wanted to yell, _talk more I need to hear your voice I can’t go another week I need to hear your voice_ now, _please_ …

Remus squeezed his eyes shut against the threatening burn of tears, “I miss you so much.”

Sirius let out a breath, “I miss you, too. Fuck, I miss you too.” There was a beat of silence, “Re?”

“Yeah?” _Anything. You can say anything, just keep talking._

“You’ll…” Sirius’ voice was shaking slightly. It triggered the first of Remus’ tears to slide down his cheek, He wiped it away in annoyance.

Sirius cleared his throat, “Promise me you’re okay.”

Remus nearly scoffed. He wasn’t sure what he wanted to do, laugh or cry or scream. The sound that came out was a very watery laugh-sob, “You’re asking _me_ to promise that?”

Sirius let out an equally sob-like laugh and sniffed, “Promise me and I’ll promise you.”

Remus tried to squeeze his eyes shut against the tears but they fell anyway. He tried to stop them still, pressing the heal of his palm to his eye, and gripped the phone. Another sob ripped its way up his throat - there was no laughter in it this time.

“Just promise me you’ll come home.” His voice nearly gave out at the end. He wanted to chant it, scream at him to promise because this was fucking hard. It was _hard_ and horrible and he just needed Sirius to come _home_.

“Re… Of course I promise that. You know I promise that.” Sirius was breathing hard on the other line. It occurred to Remus that he wasn’t fully alone and was trying to look strong. It occurred to him that he wasn’t helping the situation by breaking down.

“I know… I know…” He sniffed, “Fuck, I’ve gone and done it again, haven’t I?”

“No, Moons. You’re perfect, you know that.”

Remus sniffed again, taking a deep breath and pulling up his sweatshirt to wipe at his sticky face, “Flattery will get you nowhere.”

Sirius made a breathy, laughing sound and Remus heard him sniff too.

“I love you.”

“I love you.”

“So much.”

“More.”

There was a final, long _beep_ and the line went dead.


	4. part iv

72.

The sun was warm on Sirius’ back, sinking into his skin like liquid heat. He sighed contently, shifting slightly under the soft cotton of the sheets and the heavy weight of an arm strewn across his back.

He opened his eyes, squinting against the sunlight coming in from their bedroom window and grumbled a little to himself, turning his head into his pillow, away from the light. He shifted again, getting onto his other side, his back against the sun in an attempt to block the light, to fall back asleep.

But the sight he saw as he turned wiped any and all thoughts of sleep away from his mind. He smiled, biting at his bottom lip. Remus was still fast asleep beside him, messy waves framing his face and falling into his eyes, his mouth slightly parted. He looked peaceful and gorgeous.

Sirius reached out, wanting to tuck his hair back, run his fingers through it. His hand made it inches away, just a second from carding through the strands, before the bed started shaking. Sirius looked around in alarm, ready to spring out of bed… But the pictures remained stationary on the walls, the water in the glass on his nightstand remained still. He looked back to Remus, but he was sleeping peacefully, undisturbed by the sudden shaking. And Sirius realized. 

_He was shaking._

Sirius woke with a start.

His eyes flew open, blinking rapidly to adjust to the dark as James’ face came into focus. He propped himself up onto his elbows, suddenly awake.

“What’s happening?” He was already swinging his legs over the edge of his bunk, standing to face James.

James’ chest was rising and falling rapidly, eyes firm, the way he got when he had to switch into “captain-mode” as he called it. Sirius always made fun of him for it but, truthfully, he doesn’t really know how any of them would survive without it- without James leading them.

Sirius looked around, noticing their tent mates already shrugging into their uniforms. His eyes found James’ again. He silently begged James to throw an arm around him, tell him they were just sneaking out for a night swim.

“Prongs-” 

“Raid.” James nodded to the trunk at the end of Sirius’ cot, “You have five minutes.”

~

This is what Sirius had prepared for. This is something he’d done before. He knew the drill, he knew the protocol… and yet, he still shook as he shoved his helmet onto his head. He still had to will himself forward as they loaded into the trucks, roaring off into the dark dunes.

He was sandwiched between Marlene and Frank, shoulders bumping into each other as they lumbered over the sand. The entire truck was quiet, each soldier preparing themselves. Frank and Alice’s hands brushed discreetly, for comfort. Marlene fingered the silver locket she kept tucked under her shirt. James stood as a silhouette, the only one out of a seat, with one hand bracing himself against the side of the cabin and staring out the open back. His shoulders were set, feet apart to keep him sturdy, his other hand shoved deep into his pocket. Sirius knew what was clutched in that hand - he’d seen the picture a hundred times. He’d been there when Lily had given it to him - and when Remus had given his to Sirius. They’d planned it together, they said. Lily had joked about how he and James were their sailor boys going off to serve. Remus had just smiled, arms folded around himself shyly.

Sirius swallows thickly at the memory, and stares down at the photo in his hands. The edges are completely ruined and there’s a coffee stain at the corner where Marlene had put her drink down (he’d nearly taken her head off), but it didn’t matter. Because Remus’ smiling face was still clear as day, tucked into Sirius’ side. His nose was crinkled and his freckles were visible, sprinkled across his nose - it had been summer.

He rubbed his thumb over the smooth, laminated surface over and over until the truck rumbled to a stop.

~

“You sure I can’t get you anything else, honey? Maybe a slice of pie or something?”

Remus gave the waitress a small smile, trying for the fourth time to gently tell her to leave him alone, “No, thank you though. But really, just the tea is fine.”

She shrugged one of her shoulders in a _suit yourself_ way, and flipped to a clean page of her pad, thankfully going off to serve some other customers and leaving Remus in peace (although Remus wouldn’t exactly call it _peace_ ).

He sighed, pushing his fingers through his hair and reaching for the small, silver pot of milk she had brought, tipping it in. As he stirred it into the steam, his eyes flicked to his phone, which was flashing a new message.

_Lils: Are you alone?_

_Remus: What?_

_Lils: Are you ALONE?_

_Remus: Well, gee Lils I didn’t know you liked me THAT much._

_Lils: Shut up._

_Remus: If you count a restaurant as alone._

_Lils: You’re eating by yourself???_

_Remus: Well my only friend is out with one of her many friends._

_Lils: I’m your only friend?_

_Lils: That’s not true Remus_

Remus rolled his eyes, “Wanna bet?” he mumbled. 

He set his phone down with a sigh, pressing his fingers to the ceramic side of his mug to see if it was still to hot. It was, but he brought it to his lips. 

He knew he wasn’t really mad with Lily, but he didn’t need to be reminded that outside of her, James, and Sirius… Well, there weren’t many he knew well enough to want to be around right now. Not in his current… state.

His eyes found the small television mounted in the upper left corner behind the bar, planning to try to ignore Lily. His attention was caught by a sudden series of flashes.

And a few things registered - slowly.

First: three consecutive explosions that were playing, seemingly on repeat, on the television.

Second: the words, _RAID GONE WRONG ; 11 SOLDIERS PRESUMED DEAD_ flashing across the screen.

Third: that it was Saturday.

Forth: that his tea scalded the inside of his mouth and his lips.

Fifth: he could barely feel it.

~

Remus barely remember leaving the restaurant. All he remembers of his journey home is running - _sprinting_ \- down the sidewalk. His hands shook so bad he could barely get the key into his door, scratching up the wood around it. He finally succeeds in opening it and practically falls through the door, kicking it closed so hard, the picture of him and Sirius on the wall goes crooked. He jams his thumb onto the power button on the remote. He’s worried he broke it for a moment, but the TV flickers to life, revealing the exact same footage that was on at the bar, except he can hear the reporter now - the sound’s on. He sinks to his knees in front of the television, heart beating so hard he’s worried it might fall out of his chest.

They don’t know much. They won’t say where. They won’t even say when. But all Remus cares about is a single phrase the reporter keeps saying: _We cannot confirm any losses._

_We cannot confirm any losses._

_They don’t know for sure_ , Remus is breathing hard, 

You _don’t know for sure._

He doesn’t even remember falling asleep, clutching the remote, right there on the floor.

He dreams of bombs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a little short but I liked the way it ended in regard to what I have planned for next :) Enjoy.


	5. part v

71.

Lily was pacing. She was sweaty, her chest still heaving. She had run here.

Remus was curled on the sofa under a blanket, staring at his phone that was balanced on the couch arm. Only one thought was circulating through his head.

_Call. It’s Sunday. You have to call. I have to hear your voice. Call._

“It’s fine.” Lily said. She kept saying the phrase, over and over, like it would make it true.

Remus found that he couldn’t seem to speak at all.

His eyes flickered to the blank television screen - Lily had made him turn it off. She said that it wouldn’t do them any good to sit and listen to it. He knew she was right, but he felt like he needed… something. Even if it was news about destruction and death, he needed to hear _something._

“It’s fine.” Lily said again, her hands rubbing against the smooth material of her leggings, “It’s- We don’t know anything, right? It’s okay. I mean, for all we know it’s okay.”

Remus just looked back to his phone, sinking further into the cushions, “It certainly doesn't feel okay.”

Lily just looked at him, her lip nervously pulled between her teeth, and went back to pacing.

~

They sat there for hours, so long that the sun started to set and Lily started worrying about having to run back home in the dark.

“You should go then, Lils. Maybe James will call you.”

Lily shook her head, pulling her sweatshirt over her messy hair and shoving her feet into her sneakers, “He calls on Fridays.”

Remus sighed, stretching his feet out on the couch, making sure the blanket was still covering them, “You never know…”

Lily finished lacing her shoes and stood up, looking at him with worried eyes, “Are you sure you’ll be okay-”

“Are you sure _you’ll_ be okay?”

Lily stuttered, “Well, no.” She sighed, “Why do you do that?”

Remus just tugged the blankets closer to him, “I’ll be fine Lils. Get on home.”

Lily keeps looking at him and he rolls his eyes, _“I promise.”_

She hesitates another second before resigning, planting a kiss on his forehead, and walking out the door, leaving Remus to stare at his phone and panic.

Because the sky is dark and Sirius still hasn’t called. He can only think of the worst. 

His mind is full of gruesome images that make him want to throw up. He can’t even finish the thoughts because he’s scared that if he does it will become a reality. He knows it doesn’t work like that but, fuck, he’s irrational and _scared out of his mind._ He’s terrified. Truthfully, he needed Lily to leave incase he broke down. He’d been feeling on the verge of it since he ran home from the bar, teetering on the edge every second. And honestly, if Sirius really didn’t call soon, he knew he was going to fall right over.

He’s been switching his phone on and off so much that it’s grown hot in his hand and he puts it back on the cushion.

And he waits.

He alternates between staring at the clock and the phone. Finally, he decides he has to do something else, something more distracting.

He’s in the kitchen shakily spreading peanut butter on toast when he finally, _finally_ hears it.

The fucking ‘Marimba' that he’s been dying to hear and dreading at the same time.

He drops his knife and toast on the floor and for some strange reason, as he trips over himself to get to the living room, he finds himself thinking how it’s a good thing he doesn’t have a dog to eat that up.

_“You are receiving a call from-“_

“Oh, _fuck_ you, bitch.” Remus curses the phone out, impatiently pressing 1.

“Hello?” He says to the static, voice a shaking mess, “Sirius. Pads.”

There’s a few more beeps, and a soft rustling, until he hears someone clear their throat softly on the other line.

In the split second it takes for the other person to respond, it’s like Remus’ life flashes before his eyes, stemming from this moment. He feels his heart drop as he pictures some strange officer responding to him, sent to deliver the news. He pictures himself throwing the phone through the fucking window. He pictures hurling himself down into the cushions of the couch and never getting up again. He feels all the grief and all the pain that would come with someone other than Sirius on the other side of that phone-

“’s me.”

His legs give out and he’s on the floor, catching himself against the couch.

He presses his face into his hand, “Oh my god.” He feels like he can’t get air into his lungs, “Sirius.”

“I’m okay.”

Not waiting to see if he was about to get the news of his boyfriend’s death delivered to him this time, Remus picks up on the tones of Sirius’ voice.

He picks his head back up, leaning into the couch, worry starting to twist in his stomach again, “Pads?”

He hears a huff, and he pictures Sirius rubbing at his eyes with his thumb and forefinger, “Yeah? Yeah, I said it’s me.”

It’s reserved. Guarded. Almost… annoyed.

“I-“ Remus wasn’t expecting this. He doesn’t know what to do with this sudden coolness, “I was so fucking worried…”

There’s a beat, “Well, I’m okay.”

Remus swallows, “Are you?”

Another sigh, another pause, “What’s that suppose to mean?”

“You- It’s just, you sound… different.” Remus winces almost immediately. That wasn’t the right word, “I mean… upset.”

Remus thinks Sirius almost scoffs this time, “Well, Jesus fucking Christ, _pardon me.”_

Remus flinches back at the sudden bite in Sirius’ tone, “I- I didn’t mean-“

“How would you like me to sound, Remus?”

Remus can picture his face, the way it looks when they fight. He heart feels like it’s slowly sinking through ice cold molasses and into his stomach.

“I’ve only just watched all my friends almost die. Shit, I’ve almost just gotten killed myself. But _no_ , no matter about that, how would _you_ like me to sound?”

Remus tries to force back the waver in his voice. He can feel himself starting to tip over that ever-looming edge, “Sirius, I’m-“

“You want me to ask you about your day? Want me to pretend to care about the ‘Top 40’ songs you think I’d like? Want to tell me about how fucking rainy it is over there like you always do?”

Remus feels the familiar burning in his eyes. The lump is so thick in his throat he can’t get any more words out.

“Well I can’t.” He continues. He’s not yelling exactly. His voice his low and menacing. Remus would almost prefer he yelled, “Because none of that _fucking matters.”_

A sudden flair of irrational anger rises in Remus’ chest. Because he can’t even guess the horrors Sirius saw yesterday, he doesn’t want to know. But he _didn’t mean that._ He didn’t mean it like that and Sirius- Sirius just… went _off_ at him.

He wipes angrily at his eyes, “Well you don’t have to call, you know. If it means so fucking little. You don’t have to call.”

_Yes._ Remus wants to scream, _yes, you do have to call. I need you to call._

There’s a long silence. Remus can just barely hear him breathing hard on the other line. He squeezes his eyes shut, silently begging Sirius to sigh, apologize, tell him he loves him. Tell him he loves him again and again.

But he doesn’t.

It’s silent for a few more heartbeats and then,

“Fine.”

The line clicks dead.

And Remus collapses in on himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh god. What ever will happen now?


	6. part vi

64.

It’s been a week, and Sirius still wants to punch himself in the face.

It’s been a week, and he can’t sleep.

He get’s up at four in the morning every day. He runs, feet digging angrily into the sand. He runs until he can barely breathe because he _deserves it._

Because _what had he done?_

He deserved the hot wind burning down his throat as he gasped, and the sand he kicked up behind him stinging his bare back.

All he can hear is Remus’ breathing on the other end of the line - it was thick, the way it gets when he’s about to cry. It plays like a skipping record in his head. And he hates himself. So much.

~

“You said _what?”_

Sirius presses his head into his hands, not able to bear to see the look on his friend’s faces - especially James’.

“What the _fuck_ , Sirius? That bomb wasn’t his fault!” Marlene exclaimed.

That made him look up, “I didn’t say-“

“It was _implied-“_

There was a sigh from his left, “No, it wasn’t.”

They all looked at James who sat up from where he’d been slumped back in his seat. It had been a month, not even half way through their full service time, but Sirius could see the toll it was taking on his best friend. James had purple crescents under his eyes, his mouth seemed to be constantly pulled into a frown, strategizing, planning how to keep something like that from happening again. Trying to keep them all alive. Sirius hated the world this time, and this fucking war. So much.

James took his glasses off, rubbing at his eyes, “Of course Sirius went off at Remus. We’d just been through fucking _hell.”_ When he picked up his head again, he looked even more tired, “I’ve gone off at Lily so many times. She knows I don’t mean it now… You just- you have to tell him, Pads. He’ll think he did something wrong. You have to tell him that it isn’t him.”

_“It isn’t you Moonykins… really. It’s me.”_

“Shut up, Marlene.” Alice rolled her eyes then turned back to Sirius, folding her arms across the table, “Just talk to him, Sirius. It’s Sunday, right?”

Sirius huffed, “But he basically told me not to call.”

“No, _you_ made him feel like you didn’t _want_ to call.” Marlene raised her eyebrows at him, “He really didn’t do anything.”

Sirius glared at her, “I _know_ that-”

Marlene slammed the cards she had been shuffling down on the table, “Then stop acting like he did! Don’t take this fucking war out on him. Don’t let him know what happens here- or how it effects _you_ \- because the _second_ they get a taste of what we go through, they realize they don’t actually want to know because it’s fucking scary as shit. They realize that it’s not worth it and they leave. They _leave_ and it’s your fault because you _said_ something and that’s how you _lose them.”_

Marlene was breathing hard, and their table was silent. Sirius didn’t dare even breathe, to transfixed by Marlene, their eyes still locked. He didn’t know what to make from her sudden outburst, like she’d been holding it in for decades. Minutes seemed to tick by before she jerked her head away, staring at the table. 

She stood abruptly, almost knocking her chair over, and still didn’t look up,

“Just call him.” She said quietly, her voice softer than Sirius had ever heard it, “Tell him you love him and just…” She waved her hand weakly, like she couldn’t bear to look at him anymore, “call him.”

She walked quickly out of the tent, fingers tugging at the silver locket around her neck.

They were silent for a few more moments before James cleared his throat,

“Well, you heard her.”

~

Sirius shook as he sat on his cot. His fingers trembled around the satellite phone, thumb hovering over the buttons. He was thankful the tent was empty because he was pretty sure he was about to lose it.

He didn’t know where he would start. Fuck, would if Remus didn’t even _pick up?_

 _No,_ he told himself, _Remus would always pick up… He wouldn’t risk that._

_…Especially after a fight._

They’d _never_ fought before while Sirius was away. Even if Sirius was a bit irritable they had always ended with an ‘I love you’, always on good terms because the ever looming _‘what if_ ’s were just too big to ignore.

_What if this is it?_

_What if this is the last time I talk to you?_

_What if I never hear your voice again?_

They couldn’t bare to say harsh words to each other.

And now look at them.

All because Sirius couldn’t just _deal._

He should just call him. He knows exactly what he needs to say - that he loves him and he’s sorry and it’s not his fault…

But it gets stuck in his throat and all he can feel is fucking _guilty_. Guilty for letting it get to him… for letting himself talk to Remus like that. He took the boy who waits for him for months, who he knows has more trouble with this whole thing than he admits, and just threw him to the ground. He knows how hard it is for Remus…

He stares at the phone.

He dials, slowly and methodically, desperate for any more time to attempt to gather his thoughts, to calm himself.

His thumb is brushing against the transmit button when the tent flap goes flying open.

Frank stands there, and it’s only when Sirius sees the look on his face that he hears the engines of the trucks running, ready, and the loud speaker.

Frank tosses Sirius’ helmet to him, “We have to go, mate.” He nods to the phone, “It’ll have to wait.”

~

The sky had gone from deep red to black by the time they arrive at the perimeter of a village. The engines are cut and they jump down silently. The town is asleep.

James gives the signal, and they break into a crouched run, silently moving forward until their backs are pressed against the rough walls of the outermost buildings. Everything looks colorless in the night, the already dull, tan buildings getting washed out.

“Okay. You know the target. Ammunition - they keep theirs in the middle of the city.”

Marlene tightens her grip on her gun, “Easy. We blow it sky high.”

“Would you like to blow all these innocent sleeping people into the sky as well then, Marlene?” Alice retorts.

Marlene rolls her eyes and James shoots her a look of warning.  
 “Alice is right,” he says. He peaks around the corner before turning back to them, eyes scanning the horizon as if the answer is out there, “We’ll have to storm it.”

“Yeah, because _that_ went so well last time.”

Even crouching James towers over her, “You questioning me, McKinnon?”

Marlene doesn’t look at him, she keeps her eyes to her gun. She doesn’t respond.

James finally lets up his gaze and looks around at them again, “We’ll split up.” He nods at Frank and Alice, “You two take McKinnon.”

Frank and Alice nod, getting the translation of ‘ _watch her._ ’

James continues, “You three will circle around, try to get people up quietly. Try to get them out in case.” He puts a hand on Sirius’ shoulder, “Me and Pads… We’ll go straight to the source.”

Marlene looked up, alarmed and looking like she wanted to protest again, but one more look from James’ silenced her.

Sirius nodded, his finger smoothing over the trigger of his gun, praying he won’t have to use it too much.

~

The night air was surprisingly cool as he and James moved silently through the narrow streets, weaving through houses and ducking under open windows. Sirius tried to focus, tried to keep himself present and alert. He tried to zero in on every little sound, tried to be ready… But his head swam with _Remus._ He just couldn’t separate his two worlds… not like he usually could.

And when James put his hand up, signaling to stop, he nearly ran into him before James caught him and all but threw him against the wall beside him, pressing him back from view.

James’ eyes were bright despite the darkness, giving Sirius comfort at the familiar sight.

“To the left, there…” He took a breath, nodding to the most stable building they had come across, “That’s it.”

Sirius scanned their surroundings as much he could from their position, “Weird that it’s so quiet.” he whispered.

“Weird that there’s no guards.” James agreed.

It was a little more than weird, to be honest. Something about the entire situation just felt… _off_ to Sirius. Like they weren’t seeing something. Or someone.

Now that he thought about it there should have been guards at the gates as well, where they had come in. It was so quiet. Too quiet.

“We’ll just have to take it slow…”

“I’ll cover you.” Sirius started to creep forward when James held him back with a hand on his chest.

Sirius raised an eyebrow at him.

James bit at his lip, squinting slightly at Sirius through the darkness.

“Marlene was wrong, you know.”

Sirius shook his head slightly, unsure as to why James was choosing now, when anything could be right around that corner, to bring this up, “What?”

“When she said you shouldn’t tell Remus anything about what it’s like over here…. She was wrong.” He nodded to their surroundings, “You have to tell them everything, Pads. It’s keeping it from them that pushes them away. They have to understand. And to understand they have to _know.”_

Sirius swallowed hard, not sure why James’ words had suddenly made his eyes sting. Maybe it was just the dangerous situation, but he wanted to cry and hug James and never let him go. He wanted them to be home, on the couch watching movies, without a death trap inches away from them.

James reached out and squeezed his shoulder, “Pads you have to tell him, okay?”  Sirius could only nod.

James nodded back, eyes searching Sirius’ face and making him feel like James could see right into his mind, “Okay…” He withdrew his hand, holding his gun close to his chest, “Now you cover me.”

At first, everything happened at creeping, barely moving speed. James seemed to inch forward, head swiveling slowly back and forth. Sirius eyes scanned the small clearing, ready. He looked left and right, checking all the windows periodically. He looked so hard that his head started to throb as James crept along, crouched close to the ground. He looked and looked until-

He saw it.

The something they’d been missing, the cause of the eerie silence peaking slowly out a top window.

The barrel of a gun sliding into position, it’s owner hidden from view.

And, suddenly, everything had switched into top gear.

He barely felt his feet carrying him forward towards James. He barely heard himself yell his best friend’s name. They collided, Sirius’ eyes never leaving the window. He remembers throwing his arms out in front of James, like a human shield. Because he won’t let it happen. He won’t let another person down. Not Remus. Not James. 

_He won’t let this happen._

There was a short burst of _pops_ like the beginning of a drum roll.

Pain explodes in his chest, his stomach, his shoulder.

He remembers the silence breaking, shouts erupting, and the world going dark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahhhh


	7. part vii

57.

If only we could know about the last times before they happened. Maybe we would make more of them. Maybe we would go about them differently. Maybe we wouldn’t let it be the last time at all. 

If we knew, maybe we could say everything we’ve ever wanted to say, do everything we’ve ever wanted to do, kiss every place we’ve ever wanted to kiss. Be all the things we never were enough.

But we don’t know.

And the last time is an ever looming threat.

~

“Go fish.”

Lily’s shoulders sagged in defeat, she threw a peanut at him, and drew from the dwindling pile of cards between them.

Remus stared blankly at his own hand. The cards were suppose to have colorful pictures of fish on them. Along with monkeys and lions and other animals made to look cute for children. But all Remus saw were the words _it’s Sunday_ again sprawled across them. He glanced at the clock, the dark sky outside, and his phone. Truthfully, it was actually almost Monday.

“Re.”

Remus looked up abruptly. Lily’s nodded pointedly at his cards, “ _Hello-_ “

“Right. Sorry, sorry. Um… Do you- do you have a…” He squinted, “a… baby… deformed… hairy…ele..phant…?”

Lily rolled her eyes, “Honestly, do you really think that would be on the card? This game is for 6 and up! Give it here.” Remus handed it over and she scoffed, throwing it back at him, “That’s an anteater, Remus! Fucking hell…”

“How was I suppose to know!”

“Because you went to Primary school perhaps?” Lily threw another peanut at him.

“Well, _fine._ Do you have any _anteaters?_ And stop throwing shit at me-“

Remus was cut off by the doorbell. He tried to hide the fact that the sound nearly made him jump out of his skin. He tried to smoothly recover from the way he had lurched at his phone.

He set his cards down, “Probably the pizza.” He took a few breaths against his risen heart rate, “I’ll get it. And no peaking!” He called over his shoulder.

“Why would they even put such a random animal on those I mean- shit!”

Remus yanked the door open, turning his head to see what had made Lily swear at the same time. Lily was smiling sheepishly at the pile of honey-roasted peanuts that were now all over his carpet.

“Nice going, Evans. Gonna throw those at me too?” Remus laughed, shaking his head at her.

“Sorry…” She pushed herself up off the ground, brushing crumbs off her leggings, “I’ll get some napkins-“

Her voice faded out halfway through the word ‘napkins’. Remus watched the smile seem to literally drop from her face. He watched her turn a ghostly shade of white.

“Lils? What-“

“No…” She swallowed, hand gripping the couch for support. Her knuckles were white too.

It was then that Remus realized she was staring not at him, but at something behind him. Remus finally remembered that he had opened his door in response to the buzzer and he turned to see who it actually was.

“Mr. Remus Lupin?”

Remus’ mouth had gone dry. His throat felt like it had icy fingers being squeezed around it and his chest burned. All he could see of the two men standing on the other side of the doorframe were blurs of camouflage green and decorative metals glinting at their breast pockets.

The left one glanced at the other, asking again, softer this time, “Mr. Lupin?”

The right one straightened up, “Sir, please confirm your identification. Are you Mr. Remus Lupin, designated proxy of Lieutenant Black?”

~

_“Okay, but- what if officers just- like- decide to stop by. What do I say?”_

_Sirius frowned, “What to do you mean?”_

_Remus bit his lip, adjusting himself against Sirius’ bare chest so he was supporting himself on his elbows, “I mean who am I? You’re roommate?”_

_Sirius laughed softly, pushing his fingers through the hair falling over Remus’ forehead, “Re, babe, you don’t have to worry about shit like that. Officers don’t just ‘stop by’. You’ll only see them if-“_

_Sirius cut off, fingers freezing in Remus’ hair, and Remus raised an eyebrow, “If what?”_

_Sirius swallowed, “If… you know.” His fingers resumed their gentile strokes and Sirius pressed his lips together in a sad smile, “If something happens. To me.”_

~

Remus felt as if someone were layering stones on top of his chest, crushing him slowly yet surly.

 _“Well then. I guess we don’t have to worry about it because I certainly won’t be seeing them.”_ He’d said.

_If something happens._

_You’ll only see them if something happens._

“Mr. Lupin-“

The insistent, slightly annoyed voice of the officer is the last thing Remus hears before he thinks he hears someone yell, feels a pair of arms around him. And the world goes dark.

~

Sirius isn’t dead.

It’s the only phrase that seems to make it through the fog in Remus’ head.

Sirius isn’t dead.

The officers are sitting stiffly on Remus and Sirius’ old couch. There was a glass of water in front of each of them, droplets spilt around it from how bad Lily’s hands had been shaking as she set them down.

“What happened?” Lily asks.

The officers glance at one another and Remus hears Lily huff from beside him. He can’t move.

“Miss, we aren’t allowed-“

“Oh, spare me that shit.” Lily bites, “You can’t show up here like that and then just fucking-“ She takes a large breath but it’s shaky, “What _can_ you tell us? Please.”

The unnerving man produced a slim folder, flipping it open on his lap and tilting it upwards so all Remus and Lily could see were red, bold letters spelling CLASSIFIED.

“A total of seven soldiers were harmed in a classified mission. Two in the original trip, the rest were part of the back up that was sent. Lieutenant Black was in the original-“

“And who else?”

The man turned his unblinking eyes to Lily, “I’m sorry?”

Lily’s hands had a death grip on the couch once more, “Who else?” Her voice shook.

“We are not at liberty to disclose the other soldier’s names.” He turned his eyes back to Remus, “Black was on the original mission. They were surprised by a large enemy party.” He looked back to the folder, “His injuries include… Three bullet wounds. One has punctured his lung, another causing internal bleeding in his stomach.” The officer paused, having lost his place for a moment, “My apologies, the other lodge in his shoulder.”

He said it as if he were reading the scores of a soccer match, or listing off-menu specials.

“We have no news of his current condition at the present time.”

“Great, so for all we know he could be-“

Lily glanced at Remus the moment he flinched.

Finally, the other man leaned forward. He had a kind face. It would have been harsh with his sharp jaw and fierce blue eyes, but his nose sloped up like a boy’s and he had laugh lines around his eyes. He uniform said the name ‘Bones’ which was a little unsettling, but Remus felt better talking to him than the other man (Lestrange, his tag said) all the same.

“Mr. Lupin-“

“Remus.”

All three looked startled at his voice. It was the first time he had actually spoke.

He rubbed a hand over his face, “Just call me Remus.”

Bones sat forward, “I’m Alex…” He wet his lip, lacing his fingers together, “Remus we aren’t here to scare you-“

“Oh, _really-“_

“Lils.” Remus said softly. He shook his head softly at her and she deflated some, pressing her hand into his.

He glanced nervously at the red head for a moment, “We’re here to keep you informed, to help you through…” He looked back to Remus, “and to prepare you.”

Remus finally looked at him, fear bubbling in his chest.

Bones’ eyes were sad, “Remus, we do have to prepare you for anything. I’m not going to lecture you on the risks but…”

Remus nodded, “I- I understand.” He felt like he was choking on his own words, forcing them out.

Bones went into it then, carefully explaining Sirius’ situation. How all they knew was that he’d made it back to a field hospital, how his injuries were too serious for them to help much, how the doctors thought he could possibly be moved to a more equipped station… That they’d been very insistent on the ‘maybe.’

He seemed to alternate between good and bad news. Remus wondered if it was a trick they taught the men who had to deliver news like this. He wondered how many of these trips Bones had taken.

Sirius isn’t dead.

He just had to keep telling himself that.

Sirius isn’t dead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the wait guys!! Very busy! Also it's short but I really wanted to put another part up. Love youuuuu


	8. part viii

52.

Sirius is in the light again. Usually he’s in the dark, heavy blackness but occasionally he comes to. Then it’s bright and painful. Everything hurts too much and he sinks under again, like a wave crashing over his head. He never has enough time to register much more than a fabric ceiling and a very annoying, very slow, methodical beeping. There’s another sound too though. A heavy rattling sound that reminds him of someone breathing through one of those Darth Vader masks. He once had time to wonder if he was making these sounds before the waves overtook him again.

He can’t seem to open his eyes this time. He can’t move. He doesn’t even think he can really feel his own body. Panic squeezes at his chest and the beeping picks up slightly. He tries to yell but there’s something in his mouth, something that makes his throat raw. And he’s so, so _hot._ It’s sticky and makes what he thinks are bed sheets feel like they’re glued to him - he doesn’t know how he didn’t realize it before. He’s miserable and it feels like some place near his chest is leaking fire all over him. He longs for the darkness.

Then, suddenly, there’s a cool hand being pressed to his wrist, fingers brushing against his forehead, feeling heavenly.

_Remus_ is his first thought, _Remus is here._

_it has to be Remus. he’s here he’s making it better he’s here._

Then Sirius remembers the last time he’d spoken to Remus. He remembers how they’d fought and what he’d said and he struggles again because now it is a million times more important that he gets his eyes open. He has to tell Remus how sorry he is, how much he loves him. He has to tell him everything-

_James._

He’d been protecting James. Sirius’ mind reels. He’d been with James, he made promises to James. there had been a gun, he’d gotten…

He’d gotten hurt.

Was James hurt? Had Sirius saved him? Or was James… 

Sirius felt ice in the pit of his stomach. Were they dead?

Light finally floods his vision, almost making him squeeze his eyes shut again but he refuses. He blinks rapidly, eyes rolling around for a moment before they focus on a figure beside him.

His heart drops.

“Mr. Black? Can you hear me, Sirius?”

There’s a flurry of beeps and the nurse curses.

Sirius welcomes the blackness as it washes over him once more. He doesn’t want to think.

~

42.

Remus wants to scream. It’s been two weeks and Remus just wants to fucking scream.

Bones comes almost every day, keeping him updated. Lily too, but she has work so she mostly saves her visits for the weekends and maybe brings some takeout over mid-week, just to make sure Remus is still alive. She must decide that he is, she keeps leaving and coming back… but he certainly doesn’t feel it. She’d found out James was alive the following Friday after they’d found out about Sirius. She’d tried to hide her joy from him… Remus doesn’t think she would have even told him if he hadn’t asked. But it was written all over her face. The relief, the happiness. He tried not to hate her for it.

It’s just him today though. Bones had been over… it could have been yesterday, could have been last week, bringing news of Sirius’ first responsive period of alertness, although it was only a minute or so.

“It’s a good sign, Remus.” Bones had said.

But then he’d gone on to tell Remus all about an infection that they worried was starting in Sirius’ shoulder and Remus had forgotten all about good signs.

_Well you don’t have to call, you know. If it means so fucking little. You don’t have to call._

_You don’t have to call._

Remus wants to scream. Because if those are the last words he’ll ever speak to Sirius Black he thinks he just might off himself.

Suddenly restless he switches from slouching on the couch to walking circles around the perimeter of the square rug around the coffee table. He tries to focus on putting one foot in front of the other, tries to stay on the very edge of the rug, tries to distract himself. But his mind reels.

Because the worst part is that Sirius actually hadn’t called and- and Remus doesn’t want to think it but the thought springs up anyway:

What if Sirius dies mad at him? What if Sirius dies thinking Remus was mad at him?

His feet carry him faster, one in front of the other, toe to heel.

The thought that Sirius’ last thoughts could be about Remus feeling anything other than complete and utter love for him makes him feel ill. He stops abruptly, tripping on his own feet and grasps that arm of the couch before his knees collide painfully with the hardwood floor.

His should get up, but all he can manage is to curl in on himself, head bowed like he’s praying… and maybe he is, in a way.

He’s not sure he can do this. Fuck, he’s not sure he can make it.

His thoughts are abruptly interrupted by the tinny sound of xylophones coming from his phone. He doesn’t even jump when he hears the phone anymore. He blindly gropes for his phone, not even raising his head.

“Hello.”

_“You are receiving a call from Royal Marines Base Camp Bastion. To reject this call, please hang up now. To accept, please press one.”_

Remus straightens up so fast he sees stars. Because who could- there’s only one person who’d…

He’s confused, frantic, panicked. Remus desperately hopes this isn’t how they deliver the worst news. No, Bones wouldn’t allow that. Still, he feels almost too scared to even answer the phone. His thoughts feel like they’re colliding with one another as he punches 1.

He’s silent for a few beats, “Hello?” His voice breaks.

There are familiar, high pitched, distant beeps, then a crackling voice,

“Remus?”

And it takes Remus a few moments through all that crackling and telephone wire and fog in his head to realize.

He knits his eyebrows, confused, “James?”

There’s a sharp intake of breath, “Y-Yeah. Yeah.”

“I- What-“ Remus doesn’t really know what to say. James has never called him before. Not knowing what else to do, he stutters, “James… I- are you okay?”

“I-“ Another breath, “I’m- Fuck, Remus I’m-“

There’s an especially loud crackling nose, like wind blowing into the speaker. Remus realizes it’s James letting out a harsh breath. It’s followed by smaller hitches and silence.

“Remus-“

But James can’t seem to finish the sentence.

And Remus realizes he’s crying. That it wasn’t a breath but a sob.

Dread fills him.

“No. No- James, did-“ He squeezes his eyes shut, “Did something-“ He feels tears brim his own eyes, “Is… is he-“

“It’s my fault.”

Remus’ eyes flash open. He swallows, “What?”

James’ breathing sounds like a bird rattling a cage, trying to get out, “ _It was my fault._ ” He sobs and Remus’ chest tightens, “I was- it was so dark-“ his breath hitches, “I didn’t see- I didn’t see them-“

“James- stop-“ Remus presses his palm to his chest, as if that will stop the tears, stop the ache.

“I’m _sorry._ Fuck, Remus I’m _so sorry-“_

“James, please-“

“I might’ve killed him-“ Remus can pictures James pulling at his hair, eyes squeezed shut, “ _Remus-_ “

“ _No_. James you didn’t kill him.” Remus is holding the phone so tight he’s worried he’ll snap it, “Fuck, you didn’t kill him because he is _not_ going to die. He’s not going to die and you aren’t fucking allowed to think any otherwise.”

Remus leans his forehead against the couch arm, breathing heavily through his nose, trying to relieve the lump in his throat, “It’s not your fault James. It’s not anyones fault.” He says finally.

They are silent after that, just breathing, calming down, knowing the other is still there but not knowing what to say.

“He had my back.” James croaks.

Remus squeezes his eyes tight against the burn.

James sniffs, “He always has… he always will.” He adds the second part fiercely.

And Remus feels his resolve fall, his face crumple. He lets his face fall to his palms and finally, finally allows himself to cry. Really cry.

James does what he can from across the world, shushing him and telling him it will be okay.

Remus cries.

He cries until he thinks he falls asleep because he doesn’t remember hanging up.

41.

He’s still in his place beside the couch, on the floor, when he realizes he’s being shaken awake.

Bones’ face comes into view, eyebrows drawn and face tight with worry.

“We need you.” Is all he says before he pulls Remus upright. Remus isn’t sure if it’s appropriate for an army officer to make him eggs, but Bones insists.

“So…” Remus mostly pushes food around his plate, to caught up in the look on Bones’ face, “You said…” He trails off, glancing at Bones across the table.

Bones bites his lip, fighting, “Please eat something first…”

Remus sighs, tossing his fork down with a clatter, “How the fuck am I suppose to eat with you looking like that?”

He does a bit more lip biting, his eyes flitting from the eggs to Remus’ face, before he sighs.

“Alright then.” He runs a hand, distressed, through his short cropped hair. It’s a gesture that hits much too close to home and makes Remus’ chest tighten. He takes some eggs in hopes that it will encourage Bones to continue.

“Last night… Sirius’ fever spiked.” He takes one look at Remus’ face and rushes to continue, “It’s alright, it’s okay. We just… we need to put him under for a few days. So his body can focus solely on healing.”

Remus waits a few beats to hear the problem but Bones just looks at him.

“Well then bloody do it!” He blurts.

“It’s not that simple-“

“Why the fuck not?-“

“He won’t let us.”

Remus regrets the bite of egg as it churns in his stomach, “What?” he says weakly.

Bones shakes his head a little, “It could be the medicine, maybe, messing with his head. He’s scared and in nearly constant pain… but he won’t let them do it. The doctors need his consent, Remus.”

Remus swallows thickly, “Well, I- I don’t see what I can… What could I do?”

Bones leans forward, lacing his fingers. He wets his lips, “Talk to him.”

Remus’ pulse is skyrocketing in a second, he grips the edge of the table.

Bones carefully pulls a phone from his pocket and for some reason it makes bubbles of panic rise in Remus’ chest, “What- No. I can’t-“

“Remus, listen to me.” Bones’ eyes are calm and comforting. Remus doesn’t want to know what his own look like, “He’s been alone for so long. Surrounded by people he doesn’t know, people only there to pump him with drugs and preform operations. No one he knows or can truly care for him… not the way you do. Remus… you can convince him.”  

_“How?”_ Remus can’t drag his eyes from the phone, a possible real connection to Sirius for the first time in… forever.

“Just _talk._ Let him hear your voice. Talk about the whether, a sports game, _anything._ It doesn’t matter-“

“He’s dying and you want me to tell him the bloody wind patterns?” Remus feels like something is lodged in his lungs.

Bones’ eyes get even more intense if possible, “Put yourself in his shoes, Remus. If you were him, wouldn’t you want to hear his voice? And would you give a fuck what he was talking about?” He shakes his head, “Wouldn’t you just want to _hear him?”_

Remus is silent for what feels like a long time. He needs his heart to calm down, needs to get air into his lungs. Because he knows he has to do this. Because Sirius needs him. Fuck, his wonderful, brave, fucking hero of a boy _needs him_ and he’d sooner die than let him down again. 

He nods.

Bones’ shoulders sag in relief, “Good. Now, he won’t be able to talk back. He’s on breathing support,” Remus knew this already, or at least assumed, but it still sent a ache through his chest, “but he can hear you…” Bones presses a hand to his shoulder, “I’ll dial.”

Bones murmurs a few words into the speaker before turning back to Remus, “Okay. Try to stay as calm as you can, yeah? We need him relaxed. He’s only barely stable right now, but he could be if this works.”

Remus’ hands shake when he reaches out and takes the phone.

“Mr. Lupin?” Remus is surprised (and thankful) to hear a kind sounding women on the phone instead of all the serious sounding officers he’d been dealing with.

“Yes.” He feels numb.

“Thank you so much for this… I know this is hard but… I just know it will mean so much. Are you ready?”

Remus thinks he says yes, but it could have come out as just a muffled sort of affirmative sound. He’s not sure.

“Sirius? We’ve got someone on the phone for you, love.” Her voice sounds distant like she isn’t near the phone anymore but instead holding it out to someone else.

Remus wants to cry at how sweet she is to him. He wants to cry because thank god someone is there to talk to him like that through all of this.

There’s a rustle, and Remus can now hear a methodical rushing sound and a beeping. When he realizes that it is the sound of Sirius’ heart beat and breathing monitor, he has to pull the phone away from his cheek for a moment to let out a shuttering breath of relief. Because he’s listening to the sounds that mean Sirius is _alive_. The sounds he wasn’t sure he’d even hear again.

He takes a deep breath, “Hi, love.”

The moment he speaks the beeping picks up, nearing a frenzy and there’s a disruption in the rattling sound of the ventilator, like someones desperately trying to take it out. He hears the women softly shushing him, whispering reassurance.

Remus feels tears burn his eyes but refuses to let them show in his voice,

“It’s okay, Pads. You’re alright.” He bites his lip until the beeping returns to normal, if not a tad faster still. He clears his throat, “There you go, you’re okay… S’cold here. You’d like it… Nice and windy.” He hears Bones laugh softly from beside him.

“I, um, I’ve been watching that stupid show you like. What’s it, Reign? I’m up to- well, maybe I shouldn’t say… I’m pretty sure I’m ahead of you now. But no wonder you like it, that Condé’s nice to look at, isn’t he?” Remus doesn’t know where this is coming from, doesn’t know how he’s even fucking managing it, but he even conjures up a little laugh (even if it is noticeably watery).

“Anyway, don’t worry I’ll- I’ll re-watch with you when… when you get home, yeah?” Remus squeezes his eyes shut, trying to steady himself before continuing. He lets out a long breath, “But the thing is… Pads, we can’t do that unless you let them help you. You have to… You have to let them put you to sleep for a bit, okay love?” He can hear it in his voice his resolve’s crumbling but he has to get this out, “I know it’s hard… Fuck, Pads you’ve been so amazing. I know you’re probably scared… hell, I’m scared too but-“ Remus blinks rapidly, swiping at his cheeks, “You have to heal. You’re sick, love, and you have to help yourself heal. Just think, when you wake up, you’ll be one step closer to coming home-“

He barely finishes the word ‘home’ before he has to swallow back a sob and his voice gives out. He’s silent for a few moments, letting Sirius’ breathing calm him.

Finally, he takes a breath, “91 days, Pads. 91. We’ve made it through 41 of them, more than half, and we’re sure as hell not giving up now.” He bites his lip, cradling the phone to his hear, trying to pretend he could just reach out and brush Sirius’ hair out of his eyes, “I love you, okay? So much.”

Sirius doesn’t respond with the more but Remus knows it’s there.

He passes the phone back to Bones and presses a palm over his beating, aching heart.

He doesn’t breath again until Bones gives him the thumbs up, signaling Sirius is under and healing once again.


	9. part ix

28.

Pain was exploding inside him, lights popping behind his eyes. The air seemed to still for a moment, along with sound itself. Everything seemed to halt around Sirius, replaced with an odd ringing sound for a split second.

And then he was falling.

It was a short way down to the ground but the pain added on 1,000 feet and his impact had him gasping for breath.

He distantly was aware of shouts, some more fast drumroll pops, but they sounded fuzzy, like he was hearing them through a thick layer of glass. And then he was being dragged. It hurt. The sand cut his skin, a hand squeezed around a burning wound in his shoulder. A new wave of pain hit his chest as he was hauled into a sitting position by the armpits to sit back against a brick wall. It was only at the feeling of slippery, shaking fingers hastily pulling his helmet off did he find the strength to open his eyes.

Everything was bleary, but James’ face came into focus. It was dirty, he had a smear of red across his cheek. His mouth was moving… he was saying something. But Sirius couldn’t hear. Maybe he recognized the shape of his name. James pointed two fingers at Sirius’ face, then at his own eyes. _Eyes on me._

Then Sirius’ eyes were widening as James pressed a hand hard to his chest, so hard that Sirius could feel the beat of his heart as it pumped the blood out of his body.

The pain seemed to flip a switch, and the muffling in his ears started to subside. James’ chanting became clearer and clearer…

ay ke

st awk

stay a

stay away?

Sirius strained, staring hard at James’ mouth.

stay awak

stay awake

“Stay awake, Pads.”

stay awake.

“Keep your eyes on me, alright? Just stay awake!”

stay awake.

stay awake.

stay awake….

stay awa…

stay aw….

stay…

st…

s…

“Sirius? Can you open your eyes for me, love?”

The world seemed to spin, falling over itself for a second before slamming upright again and back into reality. Sirius’ eyes opened.

The old nurse, Holly, was standing there, her dark skin somehow managing to glow warmly even in the harsh, bright lights.

Sirius smiles at her, trying his best to hide any effect the flashback might’ve had on him, “Hullo, Holly dearest.”

Holly shakes her head, chuckling under her breath, “Y’know, I think it was better when you were a lump under a rug. Couldn’t flirt with me like that.”

Sirius almost drops a wink, but he’s still so tired all the time that he’s worried if he closes even just one eye he’ll drift back to sleep.

Holly bustles around his bed, shining that little light into his eyes and taking his vitals until she carefully helps Sirius into a sitting position to replace his bandages, a routine they have down to a science by now.

“Would you look at that,” She started as she peeled the med tape carefully from Sirius’ skin, “you must have someone you want to get home to.”

Sirius laughed a little, slightly confused, “What makes you say that?”

“Do you see this arm of yours? Do you remember when this arm was leaking all that nasty green stuff?”

Sirius shrugged, “Not really.” He had been pretty doped up. Thinking about it, he can’t actually remember the last time his head felt this clear.

She laughed, “All I’m saying is that the only people I see heal this fast, are the ones with someone to get home to. What’s her name?”

Sirius bit his lip, glancing down at his hands as Holly pealed the bandages from the back of his shoulder, “I- Well… _his_ name, actually. ‘she’ is a he. And he’s Remus.” Sirius swallowed, “Remus.”

“Ah, well,” Holly’s hands were warm as they smoothed the fresh cotton back over Sirius’ skin and then leaned over, a smile still soft on her lips, “Remus is a lucky one then, isn’t he?”

Sirius smiled, trying to ignore the way his throat felt tight. It wasn’t Holly’s fault, she didn’t realize how alone she was making him feel. Maybe she could help the bullet holes, but she couldn’t help the longing burning in Sirius’ chest. “‘Think that’s me, actually.”

The nurse rolled her eyes, “God, you’re a flirt with people that aren’t even here!”

Sirius tried to shrug as best he could as Holly helped him lay back again. It wasn’t until his back hit the pillows that he realized just how extremely exhausted he was from sitting.

“You get some rest now, okay? But Sirius?”

Sirius blinked slowly up at her, “hm?”

She pressed her lips together in a smile, her eyes crinkling, “You’re gonna see him again. Remus. You’ll see him. You’re doing _good.”_

And Sirius is okay with falling into the darkness this time because, even when he closes his eyes, he can feel the light still there, waiting. He can feel Remus waiting. Remus who had felt so impossibly far away for the last month, so unreachable. He can _picture_ it now. The airport, the corner near the vending machine in which Remus always waits in. He can see his hands shoved in his pockets, only to be pulled out, fiddled with, and shoved back in again. He can see himself going to Remus, Remus coming to him. He falls asleep picturing the moment they finally crash together again… and he can almost feel that too.


	10. part x

15.

Remus has never been particularly… _affectionate_. Except with Sirius. Maybe Lily. _Possibly_ James.

But a marine who’s brought him nothing but stress? Well, he wouldn’t have thought so. Until now.

Because the moment the words, “he’s coming home” had falling from Bones’ mouth, Remus was practically tackling him.

It wasn’t _exactly_ those words. It was more, “he’s being transferred to a hospital in Europe for a precautionary surgery, and he will be released from there as soon as possible”, but still. Remus heard _home_ in there somewhere, he was sure of it.

And that was the word that consumed his days.

13.

Home.

He’d tidied up the flat more times than he could count. No matter how often Bones told him that Sirius’ arrival would not be a surprise pop-in at his door, no matter how many times Lily tried to get him to relax, Remus wanted to be ready. He wanted to be prepared to give Sirius everything he needed.

10.

Home.

Sunsets were how he told time now. This would be sunset 81. Of course, he hadn’t always watched the sunsets. It was just too painful to watch the clock now. No, that went to slowly. The sun moved faster across the sky than the hands across a clock it seemed.

8.

_home_

Remus begged and begged to talk to Sirius.

After all, he’d had his surgery. The condition of his lung could now be classified as minor, the infection cleared from his arm. Bones said that the doctors he spoke with had even started referring to Sirius’ injuries in the past tense. He’s sore, they say, and tired more often than not. But he smiles and he laughs. But Remus needs to _hear_ it. He needs to hear _him._

He has 8 days left. It’s Sunday. They’d always talked on Sundays. Surely something could be done.

Bones, being merciful, connected Bones, of course sets up the call.

Remus is patched through to the base, to the hospital, to the front desk, to a nurse, to _Sirius’_ nurse-

and Sirius is asleep.

“I could wake him for you, love?”

Her voice is sweet and calm, but Remus’ fingers curl tightly around the phone. Everything in him wants to positively scream at the nurse, _yes, of course I want you to fucking wake him up! Wake him up right now so I can finally believe he’s even alive._ Because if Remus is being honest with himself, ever since the accident there’s been a small part of him that just can’t grasp the situation.

“I- no.” He chokes out, “No, that’s alright. Let him sleep.” _Sleep heals._ His mother had always told him that when he was young. So let him sleep, let him heal. “Just- tell him I called? Tell him-“ And Remius suddenly wasn’t sure what he was suppose to say then. Everything felt to small - even an ‘I love you’. “Tell him I called.” He settled on.

5.

_homehomehome_

They say Sirius is having nightmares and all Remus wants is to _be_ there. They say he’s restless and has accepted the help of medication quite a few times to calm down enough to close his eyes. And Remus just wants to be there. _He’d fall asleep with me._ He wants to scream it and roll his eyes and throw something because the solution seems so fucking _simple._

This leads to Bones giving him ‘the talk’. The talk about what it’s like for soldiers in Sirius’ situation to return home. But none of his words seem to connect in Remus’ head. They all become simple phrases that float around.

“He might be different.”

“He could lash out.”

“His sleeping and eating patterns may change.”

“He might not enjoy everyday activities like he use to right away.”

different

restless

sleepless

skittish.

The solution is so fucking simple. If they’d just send him home they’d see. They’d see that Remus can deal with different. He can deal with restless, and skittish. What he can’t deal with is _absent._

“Phycological wounds take longer to heal, Remus. Just remember that.” Bones hovers behind him.

Remus watches the sun disappear behind the trees. 87.

He wants to yell. Tell them how stupid they’re being. But he won’t. Not at Bones.

So instead, he says, “I’m here for him.” Because it’s the only thing that seems to sum it up.

_I’m waiting for him._

4.

They’ve booked Sirius on the next flight to London.

In three sunsets, Remus will see his boy again.

72 hours.

3 days.

He’ll be home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay... Pretty sure this is the second to last chapter... oh my god. I thought I'd try something fun? Like commenting your favorite part so far? No obligations but it would be cool! Thanks for sticking with me guys! <3


	11. part xi

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I DECIDED THIS IS NOT THE LAST CHAPTER

1.

Today, the airport is not so hospital-like. The lights aren’t so harsh, the people not so hurried. As Remus follows Bones through the airport, everything feels normal. If not a little slower.

He doesn’t make his usual walk down the terminal to wait by a gate. He doesn’t get his usual pack of salted peanuts to munch on nervously as he waits by the vending machine. This time, he’s led to a small room. He’s sure if it were any other day, under any other circumstances, his first thoughts would be how much it resembled a doctor’s waiting room - about how much he wanted to get _out_ of said room. But his mind was so consumed with the fact that across the room there was a second set of glass doors, doors that Sirius would be coming through in not even a half hour’s time… well he had no room for anything else.

“Well.” Bones keeps clasping and unclasping his hands together. He turns to Remus, his smile is all pressed lips with nervous energy. His posture has a feeling of finality.

Remus swallows hard, finally tearing his eyes from the doors and looking at Bones. He tries for a smile of his own - it’s the easiest one he’s hand in a while, “Well.”

Bones’ eyes crinkle and suddenly his smile is real, “Here we are.”

Remus gives a minuscule nod. He feels to frozen to do much more. The irrational fear swells in his chest that if he says it aloud, if he allows himself to feel any sort of relief before he’s absolutely sure all is well, it will be jinxed.

Bones glances at his watch, “Should be soon. Any time now, really.” 

His face contorts into uncertainty, and he presses a hand to Remus’ shoulder, steady and firm, for a second, then he goes back to fiddling with his fingers, “You know, I…” He wets his lips, “I’m really not suppose to get attached to my cases.” His eyebrows pull together, “everyone is suppose to be… just another soldier. Just another family…” He pauses and he straightens up, his back military-straight, “That wasn’t the case here. Remus, I-“ Remus watches him swallow, his stiff posture melt, and his face soften, “I’ve never wanted a boy to make it home more… even if-” He swallows again, thickly this time, “even if mine couldn’t.”

Remus feels his eyes widen slightly. Bones had never hinted that he wanted to disclose even the smallest bit of information about himself. And it was startling to suddenly, after so much time spent together, discover the reason behind Bones’ investment into Remus. Suddenly his many pep talks, all trying to prepare him for the worst, made sense.

“Bones-“ Remus knew there was nothing he could say, he knew sorry didn’t help, but he wanted to say _something._

But Bones shook his head, “It’s okay.” His smile was real, but it was sad, “I tried to prepare you because no one prepared me… and you didn’t even need it - thank God…” He swung a little back and forth before taking slow steps backwards out of the room, “Just… be happy, Remus, yeah?” He gave a small shrug, “Because, really, you’ve everything you’ll ever need.” He’s eyes are soft and he only looks for a moment more, “I’ll be in the car.”

Remus stood silently, stunned as Bones disappeared around the corner. Bones, who was usually so technical, always took Remus by surprise when his heart shone through.

_Be happy._ Of course he was happy. Of course he had everything he ever needed because he _got_ his boy back. He got his everything back. He found himself desperately wishing to do anything so Bones could say the same, Bones who was more like him than he ever realized.

But Remus’ grieving for Bones quickly quieted because, even through all his racing thoughts, he swore he heard wheels touch asphalt. And he was instantly whirling towards the doors.

11:50pm, the clock read.

He knew. And he wasn’t sure _how_ he knew, but he knew it was Sirius’ plane. He could practically sense that they were on the same continent, on the same tectonic plate, on the same property.

11:52pm.

HIs eyes burned from not blinking.  
His chest hurt from forgetting to breath.  
His heart hurt from it’s desperate attempts to escape his own chest and jump right back into Sirius’ where it belonged. The distance was closing now, maybe it could.

His stare alternated between the clock and the doors. There were no sunsets to watch now, just the slow, solemn minute hand.

It’s in the midst of all this staring and not breathing that Remus realizes everything in him is expecting disaster at any moment. Every set of footsteps makes him jump, only for them to walk past. It was like this notion had been hardwired into him by the past months. He’s on edge, waiting for someone to come running in and tell him something has gone wrong; with the surgery, with the plane, with Sirius. The spinning thoughts force his eyes shut, his arms around himself.

_He’s okay. You spoke to the doctor yourself, he’s okay now. He’s only a few feet away. He’s coming back to you. He’s okay. You’re okay._

Remus breathes in and holds the air there, feeling his pulse thud against his throat. It’s quiet. He can only hear the clock.

11:54pm.

11:56pm.

11:58pm.

Then another set of footsteps fills the air and Remus’ eyes flash back open, his hands digging into his arms. 

These are slower, heavier. They sound like heavy boots and like they’re getting slower as they approach the second set of doors. Remus feels dizzy, he’s sure he’s giving himself bruises.

_Please let it be you._

_Please let it be you still._

He’s on the verge of running to the doors and tearing through them when-

The first boot appears. A leg, hand, arm, torso, leg, arm, broad shoulders, pack, rumpled uniform, tan skin, grey eyes… Remus feels like he’s falling.

Because Sirius is standing there. He’s standing there. So close that Remus can see the breath he lets out when he sees Remus fog up the glass in front of him slightly. His breath. _He’s breathing he’s alive he’s alive and he’s right there._

They stare at each other through the glass.

Sirius looks thinner, paler maybe. Remus feels numb with how thin he looks. But his hair has grown out so it’s just curling atop the tips of his ears and he’s standing tall and he looks like home and all Remus can think is that he’s standing right _there there there._

Sirius’ eyes, which had been wide a second ago, were suddenly glassy with unshed tears. He seemed to be tilting forward, leaning on his toes slightly. And it wasn’t until Remus noticed this that he realized he was doing the same thing, like some magnetic force was pulling them together.

Sirius’ palm pressed to the door and suddenly the glass felt miles too thick, too much. Sirius pushed at the same time Remus trips forward, and Remus swore he was actually falling this time.

He barely hears Sirius slide his pack from his shoulders, he defiantly can’t hear the clock anymore because it feels like time has stopped. 

The floor is gone and the room is gone and the door is gone.

The stress is gone, the phones are gone, the dread is gone.

The ocean is gone, the miles are gone, the distance is _gonegonegone._

And Sirius is holding him like he doesn’t want to let go, like he can’t let go. Remus has to squeeze his eyes shut against the tears because he can _feel_ Sirius’ breath against his neck, something he was so scared had been lost. He can feel Sirius’ tears, and his breath hitching and his chest rising and falling.

“Re-“

And his voice sends a jolt through Remus because this is real. It’s so real and he’s right here. _He’s right here and I’m touching him, I’m holding him._

_He’s okay. You’re okay._

“Re.” Sirius gasps out again, palms pressed to Remus’ back, pushing their chests together. “Re-“

“Shh…” Remus’ blinks tears down his cheeks, his arms tight around Sirius’ neck, fingers soft in his hair. “Shh..” He says again because Sirius is breathing in great, shuttering, gasps and Remus can suddenly feel how weak he still his. It only makes him hold him tighter. 

“Shit…” Remus breaths, “God, Pads- _Sirius.”_

He half laughs, half cries, which makes Sirius do the same into his neck.

Finally, Sirius pulls his head back, his arms not loosening their grip. And they’re nose to nose, so close it feels like a dream.

Remus can tell they’re both studying each other, seeing what’s changed. He watches the way Sirius’ eyes flit over his face with a soft smile at his lips and tear tracks down his face.

Sirius has a still slightly pink, small scar right above his eyebrow. There’s another below his lip and his eyes have lilac below them. But still, Remus can see.

His boy is home. Really home.

Sirius’ hands slowly find Remus’ skin, palms pressing to his neck, thumbs smoothing over his cheekbones. Next come his lips, feather light across his cheeks, up his neck, along his jaw, brushing against his lips and then making their way across the other cheek. Remus sways on the spot, clutching onto Sirius. His eyes threaten to flutter close but he won’t let them. He won’t let Sirius out of his sight.

They stay there for what could be decades, eons, holding on and close, Sirius’ lips dusting over Remus, familiarizing, protecting, remembering.

“I told you.”

Sirius’ soft murmur is raspy but clear after the long silence. He presses his lips to the corner of Remus’ mouth.

Remus’ hands tightened in Sirius’ hair. He presses his palm to his neck, relishing in the quick heartbeat under his fingertips,

“What?” He says softly, breathlessly. Remus almost can’t make sense of Sirius’ words. He feels dizzy with relief and longing.

Sirius dips his head so their foreheads are together, noses bumping. Remus, for the millionth time, is hit all over again with the fact that this is real.

“I told you.” Sirius says again. He smiles softly.

Remus presses into his chest, sniffling slightly, Sirius’ smile making him smile, “Told me what?” 

Sirius smile grows until the familiar dimple peaks through,

“I always come home.”

Sirius’ thumb brushes over Remus’ bottom lip once, before replacing it with his own.

_I always come home._

0.


	12. part xii

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick side note please read for triggers: So, some of you I think have caught on to the fact that Remus has an anxiety disorder in this fic. Just to warn people, I don’t know if this qualifies as triggering or not because it really isn’t super bad or anything but Remus does have a little more of a described panic attack than ever previously written. Just letting you know!
> 
> Another side note: This is (and I’m sure about it this time) the last chapter… can’t really believe it. This was my first full fic and I just… thank you to everyone who read it, commented on it, sent me messages about it because, and I think I speak for all authors, it means the WORLD when people do that. It definitely means the world to me. So, thank you so much and I love you guys and I hope you enjoy!

Remus wakes slowly. For the first time in a long time, nothing brings him out of his slumber. There is no sudden jolt out of a terrifying dream, one that leaves him gasping and shaking, only to find himself in a even more terrifying reality. There is no being caught in a seemingly constant half-asleep state and having his eyes forced open by a sudden horrible thought. Instead he wakes slowly. But even that in itself is terrifying for a moment or two. Because for a second, he doesn’t remember yesterday’s events. For a second, his chest defaults back into its heavy state, his heart returns to it’s place in his throat. His body curls in on itself, desperate to return to blissfully ignorant sleep.

But then reality kicks in. And for the first time in a long time, it’s welcomed.

Remus stretches out, trying to get his muscles to unclench. He can’t help the small smile that forms on his face, his eyes opening slowly, as his toes hit other cold toes, his palms reaching and pressing to a warm chest.

Sirius is still asleep. He’s asleep right beside Remus and he’s breathing softly and suddenly Remus _can’t_ breathe. 

His heart feels like it’s pressing tightly against the back of his ribcage, unsure what to do with the sudden close proximity of the thing it had been reaching out for for so long. Like it had tried to grow in an effort to not be so desperate for Sirius and now his chest was wound so tight, Remus felt like he’d burst. It wasn’t an entirely unpleasant feeling.

He reached out, tracing his fingers through Sirius’ dark hair lightly. He didn't want to wake him, but he needed the contact.

Sirius had been only slightly off last night. Not for too long, but the moment they got in the car, Remus could tell how uncertain he was, how exhausted. Sirius blamed it on the time zones, his medicine, the flight. But Remus had found Bones’ eyes in the review mirror and he knew.

_He might be different._

So Remus didn’t push. He kept him close, practically crying every time Sirius brought their entwined fingers up to press a kiss to Remus’ hand, every time Sirius laughed at the way he blinked the tears away. But he didn’t push.

He didn’t push when they entered the flat either and a blank expression took over Sirius’ face. No matter how much it scared him, how much it made him want to break down, he would not be the one that needed to be held together this time. He couldn’t be.

Bones had shook Sirius’ hand, hugged Remus (who made him promise he’d come over for dinner sometime) and left them at the door. It had gotten very quiet then.

“D’you want some tea, Pads?”

Sirius didn’t answer, he just looked around their living room like he’d never seen it before.

“Pads?”

His head turned towards Remus then, eyebrows raised, “Hm? Sorry, what?”

Remus bit his lip before trying for a smile. He could see Sirius’ scars catching the light. He could see the purple under his eyes.

_He’s fine. You’re fine._

“Do you want some tea?”

“Oh.” Sirius furrowed his eyebrows for a moment before nodding, “God. Yes. Yeah, I do. That-“ He let out a little laugh, “Sort of forgot that existed for a second. Tea.”

Remus leaned onto his toes, pressing a kiss to Sirius’ cheek. He slid Sirius’ pack off his shoulders, freezing for a second when Sirius flinched.

“No, s’okay. Just sore.” He took one look at Remus’ face and slid it from his back the rest of the way on his own, letting it fall to the floor. He pressed a palm to Remus’ neck, his thumb tilting his chin up. Remus’ eyes were desperately trying to cover up the small amount of panic threatening to surface.

“Hey.” Sirius pressed a warm palm to Remus’ back, “I’m okay-“

“No, I know.” Remus blinked a few times, palm smoothing down the collar of Sirius’ uniform, “I know.” His eyes followed his fingers for a moment, tracing over the rough name patch, bumping over the embroidered _BLACK_ there. Then he looked up, a soft but slightly strained smile covering his face, “I know you are… I’m- I’m going to get you that tea. Cinnamon, yeah?”

Sirius bit his lip, studying Remus, but decided not to press the subject. He knew Remus was trying to be strong. He wanted to tell him that he didn’t have to be, that he wanted to take care of Remus again just as much as Remus thought he had to take care of Sirius… but he didn’t press, he let the moment pass.

“Could- Could you make it like you always do? With the honey and the- y’know the little biscuits?” Sirius smiled sheepishly.

Sirius could see that this, although it made a wide grin cross Remus’ face, also make fresh tears spring to his eyes.

Remus sniffed, letting out a watery laugh and pressed a quick burst of kisses to Sirius’ lips, “Fuck, sorry.” He shook his head, bringing the hem of his t-shirt up to wipe his eyes, “Of course I can.”

Sirius just shook his head smiling, pressing another soft kiss to Remus’ lips, “‘m gonna change, yeah?”

Remus nodded, sniffing and mumbling something about how all of Sirius’ socks were clean and his pajamas were on the bed. And suddenly Sirius felt a bit like crying too. Because that was so… _Remus_. So _home_.

Remus was true to his word.

Sirius pushed their bedroom door open slowly. Five o’clock light flooded through the window making everything look soft and… almost unreal. It certainly felt unreal. Sirius felt a lump rise in his throat. He walked forward, his boots too heavy and hard looking against the soft white rug. He ran his fingertips over their quilted bedspread, over the carefully folded t-shirt and pajama pants sitting at the end of the bed. It was hard to imagine that, just this morning, he had been gingerly pulling the last of his bandages off of his body. That he had even been in a hospital, in a different _country_ , just this morning… and that now, now he was here. He was _home_ and Remus was just in the other room making tea. There is a war going on and he’d almost died in it and now he was about to put his pajamas on. He was about to have tea and biscuits. It all seemed like a distant memory, like it might’ve not happened at all, and still it felt as if it was right in the front of his mind, pressing against his scull.

Sirius let out a breath, unaware he’d even been holding it at all, and started carefully undoing the buttons of his jacket. The thick canvas made a dull thud against the floor, followed by his trousers. He had to admit, he felt a bit stupid, running his hands over his old pajamas, his bedspread, once more before slipping the plaid pants on. But he couldn’t help it. It all felt new and old at the same time, like he hadn’t been there in years when, in reality, it had been only a few months… a few months that had stretched themselves into a lifetime. He tried to ignore the way the cloth pants hung a little looser on his hips. He was just reaching for his t-shirt when there was a shattering sound from behind him. Sirius whipped around, his hands unknowingly reaching for his hip where a gun had been placed more often than not.

But what he saw as he turned was not an enemy. There was no guns or men looking to harm him. There were no grenades or shouting or friends and comrades he had to cover for. There was no war going on behind him. Instead, there was Remus. Remus with his eyes flashing through so many different stages of pain and sadness that they looked like melting gold through the tears suddenly welling there. Remus with trembling hands. Remus with a a smashed cup and saucer at his feet, three biscuits melting in the still steaming tea puddle on the floor.

“I-“ Remus stared down at the shattered mess at his feet and then trailed his eyes back up to Sirius.

And, as Sirius watched Remus’ eyes dart frantically around his body, he understood.

“Re… Remus, c’mere.” But even as he said it, Sirius was the one to walk forward, guiding Remus around the fractured ceramic and into his arms, pressing him tightly to his warm skin. He held his lips to the top of Remus’ head and he felt Remus shutter in his arms, felt his breathing escalating against his neck.

“Remus, it’s okay.” Sirius pressed a kiss to his temple, “It’s okay, Moons, I promise-“

“No. _No-_ “ Remus pulled back a little, eyes trained on the small, round scars that littered Sirius’ body now: his shoulder, his chest, his side. Sirius saw Remus’ fingers trembling as he reached out, brushing his fingertips across one on his shoulder, the way Sirius had the bedspread moments before.

“I can’t-” Remus tried to breathe deeply but his heart was beating so hard he felt as though he could feel the shape of it in his chest, “It isn’t. It isn’t. Pads, someone- someone _did this to you_ -“ But Remus cut himself off, his head falling forward against Sirius’ shoulder.

He was mad at himself. Remus had promised himself he wouldn’t fall apart. In the kitchen, going through the familiar process of making tea, he had been fine. He had been more than fine, he had been _smiling._ To _himself_. He’d felt like his face would split with all the sudden use. Sirius was in the other room, and he was making tea for him, and he would bring it to him. Maybe they’d lay in bed together, maybe watch a movie or talk. They could do _anything_ because they had more than 45 minutes. They had more than a Sunday now, they had a _lifetime._

And when Remus had walked into the bedroom he had been smiling then too. Because, for a while there, he didn’t think he’d ever see the sight of Sirius waiting for him again. Pulling on his sweatpants and _waiting for him._ But then his eyes had fallen on the small, slightly raised circular scars on his back. He hadn’t expected them. He should have. _Of course_ he would have the scars. Of course there would be remnants of what had happened to him. No matter how much Remus wanted to forget, it had happened. Sirius had been shot. Sirius had almost died.

And then Sirius had turned around, and Remus saw that the scars were on his front too, mirroring their counter-parts on his back. And Remus slipped. The tea slipped.

Remus felt Sirius’ cheek pressed to his temple, his arms looping around him and his hands spanning his back.

Remus wanted to kick himself because _you’re the one who should be holding Sirius right now. Jesus fucking Christ he was in a war._ _You were at home. You have to be able to handle this. He’s home there’s nothing to cry about-_

“They’re scars, Re.”

Sirius voice was soft, made even softer somehow by the warmth of the room.

Remus blinked and tears fell away from his eyes. He watched them fall against Sirius’ chest. He turned his head, pressing his cheek to the warm skin, his ear to the steady heartbeat. His hooded eyes blinked slowly as he stared at the small crescent just below Sirius’ collarbone, in the valley between it and his bicep muscle. It was so small. It seemed too small to have been able to cause both of them so much pain.

Remus’ voice barely came out, “I know.”

Sirius’ fingers trailed over the length of Remus’ spin, “They mean I made it.”

Remus sucked in a breath. He leaned back, looking up at Sirius. He looked so calm.

Sirius offered him a small, slightly sad smile, “Right? I made it, didn’t I?” He brushed a hand through Remus’ hair, eyes flickering over his face, “Like I promised?”

Remus stood there motionless for a beat, then nodded his head. He reached up, thumb brushing over the little scar below Sirius’ lip, “Like you promised.”

He replaces the touch with his lips. He felt Sirius press into him as he practically gathered Remus against his chest, like he was holding him together. And really, if Remus thinks about it, he is. Sirius kisses him hard and slow, and Remus’ hands smooth down over his his cheeks, resting on his neck. He grips Sirius’ shoulders, tilting his chin up to press their mouths together harder, only to, once again, freeze when Sirius lets out a small noise and winces.

“Shit- Shit-“

Sirius rolls his shoulder a little but can't help but laugh at Remus’ face, eyes crinkling, “Re, it’s okay. It’s alright, you were just… getting into it.”

Remus feels heat rise to his cheeks and Sirius just laughs again and ducks down, pressing another long kiss to Remus’ lips, “You’re cute.” He grins into the kiss, “Forgot how cute you are.”

Remus just rolls his eyes and blocks Sirius from kissing him again by, somewhat dramatically, turning his head to the side. This only causes Sirius’ kiss to land on his jaw, which leads Sirius’ to pepper kisses all down Remus’ neck, then trail them across his cheeks and nose. He comes to rest with their foreheads pressed together, and they’re both grinning. There’s no small hints of sadness to it this time, they’re just smiling at each other.

“Jesus.” Sirius breathes after a few moments.

“Hm?” Remus questions, looping his arms around Sirius’ neck once more- carefully.

Sirius just kind of shakes his head a little, jostling Remus while he’s at it, and let’s out a sigh, “Nothing, just… Just don’t know how I got on with just a picture of you, s’all. Just phone calls.”

Remus nods, “Yeah, why don’t we write letters?”

Sirius’ grin melts into a smirk, “Because you’d keep every single one and just _weep_ over them.”

Remus gasps, eyes widening, but he was already laughing to hard to pull off any form of mock-anger. He hit Sirius softly in the chest in a vain attempt to prove his point, “Fucking tosser.”

Sirius’ smirk melts into a soft smile as he captures the hand Remus had hit him with and holds it against his chest, “Yes, but _your_ tosser.”

And then Remus is melting a little bit too. He might just join the puddle of tea and biscuits on the floor if Sirius keeps looking at him like that.

He bites his lip, the smiling still breaking through, and laces his fingers through the soft hair curling at the back of Sirius’ neck, “Yeah. I suppose so.”

Remus can’t help but just stand there looking for a moment, just taking it all in. He didn’t expect it to feel this normal so quickly. He didn’t know _what_ to expect to be honest, but here they are. And he knows that it won’t all be like this. Sirius is still healing, he’s just _begun_ to heal - Remus has seen this, in the car, and when Sirius walked in to their apartment - but he _will_ heal. And he’s right here, beautiful and laughing and cracking jokes and _kissing him._ And so fucking _alive_ that Remus imagines he can feel the energy, the relief, rolling of of him.

“What?” Sirius bumps his nose against Remus’, “You’re staring.”

Remus blinks a few times, “What? Oh. Nothing.” But a grin is breaking the surface again and he shakes his head, a soft, relieved laugh escaping, “Nothing just- Here, we’ll-“ He turns, looking at the mess by the door and tiptoeing carefully around it, “We’ll clean that up later, and I’ll make some tea while you put on a shirt. Actually-“

Sirius’ heart stutters as Remus peaks back around the doorframe, eyes more brilliant than any picture Sirius could ever take. He feels weak for all the right reasons.

Remus smirks, “Scratch the shirt part.”

And Sirius laughs and obeys, quickly following Remus into the hallway and capturing him in his arms again before he even makes it to the kettle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I physically cannot believe that it's over. I'm happy that they're happy though :) 
> 
> If anyone wants to read more of my writing (which would make me cry thank you) you can find me on tumblr! Here is a link to my masterlist: http://lumosinlove.tumblr.com/masterlist
> 
> Again, thank you all so much for reading. Your comments and compliments got me through parts where I was stuck and all around just made my day every time I read them. Thank you! <3


	13. 1. Additional Blurb In This Universe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus and Sirius go to a homecoming party for the boys. Remus is getting hit on by the bartender. Sirius finds a good use for his uniform.

Remus didn’t mind the sea of greens so much right now. When they weren’t surrounded by the blinding white flashes of jets through windows and monotonous flight calls, they didn’t look so stark and daunting. Against the dark wood and worn leather bar stools and laughs that surrounded him, they looked almost okay. It was nice, at least, to see Sirius, looking handsome in his uniform, without the unbearable ache in Remus’ chest that usually accompanied the sight.

Sirius was standing next to James across the room, leaning on one of the tables, silent while James waved his hand around, clearly telling quite the story. Sirius smiled softly every now and then when the others laughed, his hand not holding his drink absentmindedly rubbing at his shoulder, no doubt able to feel the raised scar there even through the thick canvas material. Remus wanted to kiss the scar, just as he had that morning, and every morning before that since Sirius got home.

He’d been quieter, Remus had noticed that. Not sullen, or sad exactly, just more reserved in crowded places. They were fine at home, or out to breakfast together, or to the shops. But here, at a party, at a dinner, in a bar, here Remus could see the difference. He could see his eyes casting around the room, not exactly looking at everything but just taking everything in, observing. Remus watched him watch the room as he waited for their next round of drinks. He watched Sirius eyes find his and more or less felt it when Sirius smiled. It was real and still seemed chock full of relief even after all these days. Remus returned the smile, leaning back against the bar with the sudden weightless feeling that Sirius doing anything brought.

He mimicked Sirius’ motion, touching his hand to his shoulder, and tilted his head: _does it hurt?_

Sirius’ tilted his head back, confused. His eyes flickered to Remus’ hand and the, understanding, to his own. His mouth formed a small ‘o’ and he dropped it, sending Remus a small smile and shaking his head: _No, I’m fine._

“Pints’ for you?”

Remus jumped a little, turning around to face the bartender who was holding out two frosted glasses, “Oh. Yeah, thanks.”

The man sent Remus a smile, lopsided and smug, “No problem, love.”

Remus’ stomach lurched a bit but he took the pints without another word. He turned to go when a hand caught his wrist, making some of the foam slosh over the rim of the glass, running over Remus’ hand.

“Wait a second, yeah?” Remus held his breath as the man leaned in, “What do you say we get a pint after this place clears out a little?”

“No, thank you. Excuse me-“

“ Hey.” his breath reeked and his fingers dug into Remus’ pulse, "I don’t know about you, but,” He lowered his voice, “I prefer small ones like yourself to these big blokes. Makes ‘em easier to _handle_ —”

The man’s sentence was cut short by shattering glass, making Remus jump and pull back as liquid spilled over the counter, cascading down the rounded edge of the bar top. Remus blinked, staring at his now free, beer-soaked hand. Then there was a hand at his waist, familiar and pulling him into a solid chest.

“Jesus fucking _christ_ , mate! You’re gonna pay for that, you know—“

“Not with your hands all over my boyfriend, I’m not, not a chance.” Sirius’ voice was deadly calm.

Remus looked up into his face. It was hard as stone, his jaw muscles taught against his clenched teeth, and, for a moment, Remus saw, not His Sirius, but Away Sirius, Sirius in the field. His eyes were cold and set, narrowed and dark grey. Remus, out of view of the bartender, pressed his hand into Sirius’, a silent plea: _Let’s leave._ Remus could feel his heart beginning to thrum behind his eyes, could feel his chest tightening. He squeezed Sirius’ hand tighter, please.

Remus held his breath until he felt Sirius squeeze back. Sirius took a step back, hand falling from around Remus’ waist and into his palm.

“I think you’ve got some glass to clean up.”

“I think you have a bill to pay—“

“I’m pretty sure he doesn’t.” James’ voice this time, just as cool and steady as Sirius’. Remus heard the man start to curse James out, but he didn’t see what happened next.

Sirius dog tags glinted against the light as he lead Remus through the slightly quieted bar, James sending him an understanding nod as they passed. The bell above the door jangled as Sirius all but yanked it off its hinges, and then they were outside, out of the mess, out of the air that felt like it wouldn’t make it through to Remus’ lungs. It was the first time in a long time that he’d felt panic like this. For a while, after the incident, he didn’t think he’d ever feel true fear again, that nothing could ever compare to what he had gone through when Sirius got shot. But his heart thrummed nervously in his chest, an aftershock from a simply uncomfortable situation.

Sirius pulled him around the side of the building, pressing his palms to Remus’ cheeks. And Remus, for a moment, forgot all about the incident inside the bar, his brain instead switching to its now frequent mode of _Sirius is here. Sirius is touching you. Sirius isn’t gone, he isn’t leaving._ He felt calm. He felt better.

Sirius’ eyes had considerably softened from when Remus had seen them last. They grey had lightened and eyebrows were drawn together slightly. He just looked at Remus for a moment, doing the familiar act of searching Remus’ face for signs of panic, of any sort of worry that might escalate into something bigger. Finding no alarm, he let out a breath, letting his hands slide down Remus’ neck and down to his hips.

“There really are assholes in the world.”

Remus bit his lip and nodded a little, bringing his hands to rest of Remus’ chest, focusing on and fiddling with the buttons there.

“Hey,” Remus looked up at the softness in Sirius’ voice, “You’re okay?”

Remus smiled a small smile, “I’m not the one who just broke two glasses.”

Sirius winced a little, “Overkill?”

Remus shrugged, “No…” He smoothed his hands over Sirius’ starched collar and up into the soft hairs at the base of his neck, “Kind of valiant, really. A little hot, maybe.”

Sirius’ eyebrow raised at that, “Really?” He grinned, lopsided and wicked, “Well, I always have known you liked the uniform.” He leaned in, forehead resting against Remus’, “At least in certain circumstances.”

Remus smiled, tilting his chin upward to press a kiss to Sirius’ mouth, hands curling in his hair, “Home?”

Sirius grinned, dropping a kiss to Remus’ lips, and then his forehead, “Yeah, home.”


	14. 2. Additional Blurb

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius is away over Christmas.

_December 21._

Remus is still not sure why he bought a tree. It just makes him sad, looking at it, decorating it. He’s doing it alone and putting Christmas music on doesn’t help, that only reminds him that he’s also listening to Christmas music _alone_. But he did it out of tradition, really, and because Sirius loves Christmas. He’d want to see pictures. Remus jumped at the thought and picked up his phone.

“Right.” He swiped left and snapped a quick photo of the tree, “That’ll be a work in progress.” He sighed and lowered his phone, regarding the tree with slightly tired eyes, “and I’m talking to myself.” He threw his phone back onto the couch, “Brilliant.”

He fell down on the cushions too, leaning his head back and closing his eyes, resigning himself to what he knew he was doing all too often this holiday season. He let his mind take him backwards, let himself be swallowed in his memories. Just for a moment, he let himself be with Sirius. His laugh came first,

_“Re—“ His name was broken up by Sirius’ laughter, “Re, take a picture of me.”_

_Remus turned around from where he had been rummaging in a box, looking for their star, and let out a snort, “Nice accessory you’ve got there. I’ve been looking for that for the last twenty minutes, you do know that.”_

_Sirius just adjusted the star that he had balanced on the top of his head. He put his arms out for balance before starting a slow circle in place. Remus rolls his eyes but snaps the photo._

_“It’s going to fall, it’s—“ Remus jumped forward over another tray of ornaments and caught it just as it tipped off the back of Sirius’ head, “Yeah. That.”_

_Sirius turned around, still grinning, and Remus found that he lost his ability to even pretend to be angry. Sirius’ face was bright, and the little scar above his lip, the most visible reminder of the hell they’d gone through months before, was barely noticeable. Remus set the star on the coffee table without looking as Sirius leaned in, capturing Remus’ waist in his arms. Remus pushed his hands through his hair. It was starting to get into his eyes now, he’d been home so long. Remus adored it._

_“Maybe we should just put you on top of the tree. A star.”_

_Sirius hummed, leaning down to press a kiss to Remus’ lips, “Maybe. But some people put angels on top of their trees. In that case, I think it should be you.” He pressed a palm to Remus’ cheek, “My guardian angel.”_

_Remus found he couldn’t respond to that, couldn’t speak with the way Sirius was looking at him. He was smiling, but there was a seriousness to his eyes. His thumb stroked across Remus’ cheekbone, “You’re what I think about, you know.”_

_Remus swallowed, hand coming to wrap loosely around Sirius’ wrist, holding him there, holding tight._

_Sirius let out a breath, “When,” Another pause. Remus could barely breathe, “When I’m out there, and everything’s too hot and too loud and I feel like I can barely move. You’re what I think about. You somehow,” Sirius shook his head a little, smiling softly, “find me.”_

_Remus held tighter, bringing his other hand to rest on Sirius’ neck, feeling the reassuring steading beat of his pulse there, “Pads…”_

_“You just,” Sirius blinked a little, his voice giving out for a moment, “You just find me, you just appear in my head. You’re making me tea or flicking through the telly. Or you’re lying next to me. And I can see you there, in the sand, except we’re at home, and you’re talking about the shopping or something.” Sirius bit his lip, then leaned forward and pressed his mouth the Remus’ forehead briefly before looking down at him again, “And it just gets me through. I get up and I just, all I want is to come back home to that. To tea, and telly, and shopping.” Sirius’ thumb catches the first of Remus’ tears, “To you.”_

Remus blinked, breathing hard and staring at the ceiling. _To you._ He pressed a hand over his eyes, half laughing and half crying. This was the danger of letting himself do that, really. This unbearable weight on his chest increasing by ten pounds. He wiped his eyes with his sweater sleeve, sitting up. He pressed his hands into the cushions for support, trying to regulate his breathing, and looked to his left at the single photo that they’d ever been not lazy with and actually got framed. Him and Sirius on the tube. He supposed James took it, or maybe Lily. But Remus has a book in his hands and is trying to point something out to Sirius who had just put an arm around him and pressed his lips to his temple. They’re frozen like that in the picture. Just the two of them in a busy train, locked together and entwined. Remus reaches out and touches the place where Sirius’ lips are against his skin through the cool glass.

“God.” He breathes, “This is hard, you know that? This is really fucking hard.”

Remus turned away, leaning forward and pressing his face into his hands, elbows on his knees, breathing out through his nose.

“Wish you were here.” He mumbles, “Everything’s better when you’re here.”

He stays there for a moment, then stands up with a huff, “Okay. Okay, 71 days down. Twenty. Twenty more.” He’s talking to himself again, but he doesn’t care, “Twenty more and he’s home.” He looks at the picture, “And you’re home.”

He picks up the picture of Sirius with the star atop his head from the box. He’s grinning, looking upwards. Remus puts it at the top of the tree and smiles.

_December 25._

“Pass me another truffle, will you?”

Remus held out the tin, “Number…five, I believe.”

“Fuck off.” Lily laughs, “Usually James is here to eat them all. I’m just carrying out Christmas tradition.”

Remus ignores the pang that ignites in his chest at the mention of James’s absence. Because that translates to Sirius’ absence in his mind and, well.

Remus takes another bite of the pizza slice he’s holding, “What’s your family doing this year, anyway?”

“They’re with Petunia’s family. With _Vernon_. And _Dudley_. God.” Lily rolls her eyes, “James’ parents are on some tropical island.” Lily sighs dramatically, “I’d be on an island, if I could.”

Remus raises an eyebrow, “Well, thanks.”

“Not like _that._ ”

Remus just shakes his head and throws a truffle at her, “You’re a bit drunk, aren’t you?”

Lily smiles lazily, “A little. But I’m allowed! We’re _both_ allowed. Our boyfriends are all the way across the world, doing god knows what and—sorry.”

Remus leaned back against the couch, sprawling across it with his lets in Lily’s lap and closing his eyes, “It’s fine.”

“No, I, I don’t mean to keep repeating it. I really don’t, I just… I can’t get over it. God, they’re _so_ far away.”

Remus looks up as her voice cracks. He sits forward, “Hey.” Remus takes her hand in both of his. It’s slightly sticky from the chocolate but he doesn’t mind. She looks at him with a sad smile, pushing her hair out of her face and giving Remus’ hand a squeeze. Remus squeezes back, “I know. But they’re still capable of loving of from all the way over there, aren’t they?”

Lily laughs a little sadly, “Yeah. Yeah.”

They sat there until nearly two in the morning, eating and talking and flipping through Christmas movies, until Lily declared that it wasn’t Christmas any more and, although she loved him, all she wanted to do was sleep.

“I know the feeling.” Remus said as she stood.

It was nice, having each other. But it was also just a reminder. _Look who’s missing._

Lily hugged him tightly at the door, “Love you, Re. Try to get some rest, okay?”

Remus nodded into her hair, “Yeah. You too.”

Lily pulled away and picked up her bag, “Oh, and also.” She turned, hand on the doorknob, and grinned at him, “Go look under your bed.”

She closed the door.

“Wh…What?” He said to the wood.

He heard her laugh from the other side, her voice carrying down the hallway, “Just do it!”

Remus stood there for a few moments, listening to her footsteps. Under the bed? His heart leapt into his throat as a thought entered his mind. Lily wouldn’t leave something under the bed for him, she would have just given it to him straight up. That leaves…

“Pads.” Remus breathed to himself, turning on his heels and all but sprinting to their bedroom. He dropped to his knees on the hardwood floor next to the bed, socks and pajamas sliding beneath him. He took a breath and looked underneath.

Mothballs. A sock.

And a box.

Remus’ heart picked up, “God.” He slid it towards up, catching his fingers on one of the folded down flaps. It was just plain cardboard, probably so as not to draw suspicion, but Remus’ heart pounded like it was decked in glitter and ribbons. He pushed the flaps out of the way to reveal a series of neatly wrapped parcels beneath a folded slip of paper. Remus’ name was scrawled in Sirius’ messy handwriting, and Remus’ hand leapt to press against his chest. His other hand scrambled to open the folded page, beginning to read.

_Enclosed lies a Christmas care package for Remus John Lupin, the boy closest to my heart and who, I think, will have a tendency to cry today. I can’t stand to see him cry._

Remus smiled, even laughed a little, as he wiped the relentless tears off his cheeks.

_Hi Re. Love. Merry Christmas, baby. I’m sorry I’m not home. I hope its snowing though. I hope you have a Christmas tree and you remembered to force Lily to make those fucking amazing gingerbread cookies. Wish I was there to eat them. Wish I was there to be with you, really. You know I do. But, because I’m not, I put some things together that might make up for it—just a bit._

_Home soon, right? If you’re opening this on Christmas (which I hope you are) then it’ll be sixteen more days to go. That’s all._

_Love you more than you know._

_Sirius_

Remus took a deep, shuttering breath and reread the letter, then again once more, before moving onto the packages. He wanted to savor this, this little piece of Sirius he was receiving when he needed it most.

The first one was a rather heavy box with the words _to keep you warm_ scrawled on a yellow sticky note. Remus tore the wrapping off and laughed. An electric blanket.

There were smaller things after that. A box of tissues with _to dry your tears_ on it, and a box of Remus’ favorite biscuits and tea with _to comfort you._ A few bars of chocolate— _to make you smile._

And, finally, a soft package at the bottom.

_for when you miss me_

“I always miss you.” Remus ran his fingers over the place where the pen indented the paper slightly, like if he was close enough to something Sirius had touched then maybe he would just appear. He tore the wrapping off and instantly let out a soft sound, burying his face into what was inside. Sirius’ beat up gray sweatshirt that he practically lived in when he was home. Remus could feel his hands shaking as they squeezed the thick material, inhaling deeply, “Fuck.” Remus unfolded it quickly and tugged it over his head, pulling the hood up and the sleeves over his fingers. He brought his knees up to his chest and turned his head downward into the fabric, squeezing his eyes shut against the burn of tears.

He stayed there for a few moments, nestled in painful comfort, before he noticed another sticky note stuck to the bottom of the box. He picked it up, bringing it into the light.

_The sweatshirt is not for crying, its for wearing while you watch movies and eat chocolate with your blanket!_

Remus laughed despite his tears because of course. Of course, Sirius thought of everything.

At the bottom of the note,

_Once again, I love you._

Remus smiled, sniffing and picking up the chocolate and tea, “I love you too, you absolute sap.”

He fell asleep on the couch the night with a lighter heart, the miles of ocean stretching between them feeling slightly smaller than usual.


End file.
